So, I have had a few people ask me the last couple of weeks; "Whatever happened to that Church girl blog thingy?" Well, it is still here. I am still here. And I am still single and scared of church girls. Would it be fun to get back into writing? Sure. The worldwide COVID pandemic has caused me to reevaluate a lot of things in my life. And has also caused me to look at myself in new ways and wonder what God wants for my life, ministry and potential future relationships. So, with that said... I am going to try to start writing again on this. Since we last talked on here, I have dated quite a bit, and have learned a lot. I even have now fully immersed myself into the world of Online Dating Apps. I know, I know... this was never supposed to happen. But yet, here we are. For several years, I focused this blog purely on the book that I was writing years ago. Well, let's scrap that and move on. The world has changed, I have changed, dating has changed, and so much more has changed. I want to take on this task differently and just talk honestly and responsive as to what has been going on in my life. I suppose this approach will offend a lot of people and also get me in trouble. But let's be honest, if you see a car wreck on the highway, you tend to slow down and look. So... here comes the car wreck! Are you ready for the return of the CHURCH GIRL BOG? Here are some UPCOMING TOPICS: 1. Dating apps: What have I learned? What do I need to learn? 2. Politics and dating: how does one navigate the landmines of politics? 3. Freaky 40: How does 40 and single look and feel? 4. 4 to 1: How should the church address this pandemic of 4 girls to 1 single guy? 5. Single moms: how should Christian men respond to this growing demographic? 6. etc.
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Last night I decided to read through the whole original manuscript of “I am scared of Church Girls.” This was once going to be the greatest book ever put to print (after the Bible of course). Considering that it was mostly written before 2010, it was an interesting read to reflect on my own life and also the thoughts I had back then about dating, church, girls in general, etc. I was wondering to myself how much I have changed during the better part of this last decade. Life tends to change us all in some shape or form through our experiences. My life experiences have rocked my world since I have had several interesting career moves that involved being a professional athlete, sports ambassador to North Korea, founder and director of a Non-Profit organization, even a stint as a school principal and a variety of other things (not bad for a few years work). The world around me in that same amount of time is that much crazier as well. Donald Trump is the president and is actually doing fairly well, North Korea and the USA are talking, the Kardashians are still a thing somehow, the world is engaged in a massive refugee crisis, Hollywood keeps making Transformers movies, and the list goes on and on. However, there are a few things that have remained the same through this time. My faith in Jesus has never been stronger and regardless of how hard I try I AM STILL SCARED OF CHURCH GIRLS! And yes, that means I am still single with still no hope in sight. I recently celebrated my 37th birthday. Birthdays have routinely become simply another day for me for a variety of reasons. However, this day was a little different. It was a slow day and because of that, I got caught up in a depressing spiral of thought that really made me touch on a variety of emotions. For the first time I really spoke out to God and asked him “Will I be single forever?” On most days, I feel I have resigned myself to that idea that if I am going to die a single man I might as well embrace it. And although on this day I still embraced it, I asked God “but why?” It is not like it is my heart’s desire to not want to be with someone. It is the complete opposite, I burn with desire to be with someone. It is not like there are no single girls out there. The stats are still about the same as we shared before, it is still about 4 to 1 in my favor. And it is not like I am not actively trying. The reality for me is that I feel like I am still failing. So, in the light of these few points, I found and still find myself asking God “WHY?” and of course when there is nothing but silence from God on this topic, I tend to formulate my own answers in hopes to solve the mystery. I think about all the physical reasons as to why girls don’t find me attractive. I make a list of all my potential personality flaws and plethora of quirks that might send a beautiful girl running for her dear life. I ponder through my lifestyle and career choices and assume that most girls just don’t care to be a part of it. I make a spreadsheet of things that I wonder if I can change to perhaps make myself more marketable. On more than one occasion I can recall the times talking to some of my buddies as they prepared to make the plunge into Holy Matrimony (AKA Marriage). It was a nerve racking time for all the guys I know who made this decision. One of the reasons being is that they had to overcome the greatest hurdle known to man; commitment! I would ask each one of them the question “What scares you the most about marriage?” Although most of the answers were quite similar, I remember one friend simply articulating the obvious uncomfortable truth that I believe most men utter in silence; “What if there is a better girl out there?” People have to make choices every day that will determine the outcome of so many things in life. But there are so many different ways that people go about making decisions. For example; going out to eat at a restaurant. If you want to figure out quickly what kind of decision maker you are and perhaps others around you, just go to a restaurant that has a menu that has a wide variety. You learn a lot about yourself and your friends. My following analysis is merely my observation and is not predicated on any scientific research (to my knowledge). For simplicity, I will only focus on the two most common types of people I have noticed. Person #1 is the type of person that knows exactly what kind of mood they are in and what kind of food they want and will read the menu until they pinpoint what it is that they want. When the server asks them for their order they have no problem articulating what it is that they desire. They approach a lot of decisions with a very stress free attitude because they don’t worry about regretting their decision, unless of course, the food gives them a bad case of diarrhea, which will lead them to never eat at that place ever again. Person #2 is the type that has no idea what mood they are in and has no real clue as to what kind of food they want to eat. All they know for sure is that they are hungry and they usually know exactly what they do not want. These are the type of people who scan through the menu hoping that the menu will tell them what they want. However, they realize that many different items look really good. Their blood pressure rises when they notice the server walking towards their table. As the server asks for their order they feel sheer panic and to avoid a socially awkward scene they just frantically settle on something. Although the stress of making the decision has now passed, a new stress arises. This stress involves the question “Did I make the right decision?” or “I really kind of wanted that other thing…” These people would never have allowed themselves to be in this situation if it wasn’t for the people that brought them to this restaurant to begin with. Yes, I believe a lot of people will fall somewhere in between these two types. And I am aware that a person can be a #1 type in some situations and a #2 in another. But let’s bring this conversation back to the church setting where the singles scene exist. I talk to a lot of guys who see the 4 to 1 ratio in different ways. Some men look at the numbers and get excited because they know what they want and believe the odds are in their favor to find that person. I talk to other men who feel the stress of making a decision and are afraid to settle on one person because they never feel secure enough to believe they made the right decision. And then there is the inevitable situation that seems to arise from both of these types and that is when the man does not like any of his choices and chooses to stay single or chooses a different church to attend or even worse; leaves the church altogether to find what he is looking for. But let’s be realistic here. A 4 to 1 ratio does not mean a guy can just pick a girl as if she is on the menu of a buffet. That is wrong and a bit degrading to a girl. We need to account for the fact that perhaps those 4 girls are not excited about their choices either. I believe here in lies the problem. Some church guys believe that they can hold out as long as they want because they believe women will be available to them in the church no matter what or when. They believe by simply being a male in the church who is willing to stand up front of the congregation and pray will be enough to woo any of the desperate girls who just want a Godly leader. And in too many cases, this seems to be true. Since the beginning of time, men have been motivated to improve so many areas of their lives because of their desire to impress the women they wanted. This is no different today than it was 5000 years ago. Our desire is still there to do so. But in the church, I believe something has happened. The expectations of men have been lowered. This is a direct reflection of our society. Men are no longer feeling the need to be the leaders they want to be. They are trained from birth that their roles in society are not what they once were. They do not feel as needed as they once were. The church has seemed to accept this. And this leads to men not wanting to attend church and men not desiring to want to be better leaders. Therefore, men are learning that they don’t have to work as hard in the church to impress the ladies. Yet at the same time, many church girls are desiring a Godly leader and of the men available, there are not much to choose from. Some girls will have otherworldly expectations for their future husband. They believe they deserve a handsome church stud, who loves children, who has a law degree and a seminary degree along with an incredible life plan. Once they realize that’s probably not going to happen, these same girls lower their expectations and take the best available. BONUS THOUGHT: Has anyone noticed in church that the trophy wife tends to find the trophy husband? Is that a bad thing or a good thing? There are a lot of general and stereotypical statements in this article but I also believe there is a lot of truth and a serious conversation that needs to take place. Marriage is not something to be taken lightly and it is not something that just happens overnight (maybe in Vegas). The 4 to 1 ratio has sadly caused women on their side to panic and perhaps face the reality that being single and celibate forever. While men are panicking because they do not know how to lead or make good decisions and they don’t feel challenged to be the best God has meant them to be. Give me your thoughts! As I have shared in prior posts. I have often heard the cries of church girls all over asking the question via a rant; “WHERE ARE ALL THE GOOD CHRISTIAN SINGLE MEN?” Usually this comes across as a bit of a slam because I am usually the single man sitting there on the receiving end of the gripe and somehow these girls do not want to acknowledge my existence. That is a different topic for another day. But all in all, these girls are asking a very good question. So, where all my boyz at? According to several world demographic studies, the male to female ratio is approximately 1:1 (with a slight edge to the boys). That means there is at any given point one male to one female worldwide. Of course that does not mean those numbers represent your neighborhood or even your country. It is merely a world average. In Asian nations there are a significantly higher amounts of males than females. However, predominately in Western countries there are vastly higher amounts of females then males (credits to Wikipedia). This means that men are not dying off, but are perhaps sleeping in on Sunday mornings. Regardless, they are out there but are not found in churches. The church's demographics do not represent the world's demographics at all! Maybe church isn't for everyone everywhere. Several more studies conducted in the USA and other Western nations have concluded quite alarmingly that church attendance is down worldwide with some exceptions in Asian nations. Now, of course it needs to be said that being present and accounted for in a Church pew on the weekend does not make or break your faith in Christ. We know there are a variety of circumstances that may lead to one’s absence on any given Sunday. However, the falling numbers in church participation are often correlated with the numbers we are seeing of people who are leaving the faith in general. My heart is breaking as I read some of these stats. And the eye test is confirming the stats that I see. Young people are leaving the church quickly while the older generation is simply dying off. And men are leaving at a higher rate than women. Most people will look at this and conclude the obvious; the church is dying! The church and its survival can be studied in the same way a government will study the birth and mortality rates of its people. These numbers are essential for politicians to know how to plan the future. Countries like Japan and Korea (where I live now) have detrimental birth rates. Basically, not enough people are having babies and therefore the nation will slowly disappear if this trend keeps up. The same can be true in church. Pastors can look out into their congregations and see more and more empty spots and naturally become concerned. Church survival 101: When two church people get together and have children, there is a strong chance those children will someday join the church as well. Numbers have proven that children who grow up in church will more than likely join as adults as opposed to those who did not grow up in the church. Although, many kids who grow up in the church are more and more not returning. Therefore, good and healthy church families are needed for a stable church future. A 4 to 1 ratio among an already declining church population is not good. There is a lot of discussion involved in this paragraph we do not have time to go into. Okay, now that I have painted a rather depressing picture of the church's current state and future, allow me a chance to try to unpack this information and find out what is causing this trend. Church attendance is decreasing for a plethora of reasons. A few of these are simply: -Church is boring or archaic and people do not want to be a part of it. -The growth of science has heavily influenced the decline of church. -People are just busier than they have ever been. -Christians do not feel that the church is helping them in any way worth attending for. This leads to online sermons or going to small groups or other means of nontraditional “church” communities. -Technology has replaced God in most people’s lives. These are just a few of the many excuses on a long list of reasons why people are leaving the church or not joining to begin with. But is there any reason why there is a 4 to 1 ratio of single men to women? I believe there are several causes. Please vote below on which reason you believe is the biggest. This list is a collection of answers I have found all over the internet. Next week we will talk about what is contributing to why there are so many single women and what the consequence of this could be. The Church Girls are back with vengeance! They have battered down the doors of the church and have taken up residence in pews worldwide. Just like when Jesus came storming into the Temple in Jerusalem driving out tax collectors with a whip, likewise the infamous church girls have driven out the men of the church. Men all over scattered and have taken to the hills and entrenched themselves in bunkers surrounded by barbed wire fences and land mines in attempt to save whatever is left of their masculinity. But night has fallen and the light of the church girl’s torches marching in unison to the “Boys Only” last stronghold gets closer and closer. The men know that the odds are not in their favor. They know what awaits them this fateful night. However, the few men huddle together and cheer one last hoorah before going into a battle that would no doubt be glorious and epic but assuredly have Alamo type results! If I was in Las Vegas, and I rolled into a casino (not that I would do that) with 4 to 1 odds on pretty much anything I played, I would feel pretty good about placing my bet all over the place. However, this article is not talking about a random road trip to Sin City (although I may have a few of those), this is an article about taking a trip to your local church and making a general observation. In most cases, if you were to visit any given church service on any given weekend in any given country anywhere in the world, you will find a common theme; there are generally more females than males sitting in the pews. Several studies (including the Barna Group) have proven that there is a widespread decrease in male attendance and participation in church worldwide. The ratio in general is pushing 2 to 1 (female to male). And that number virtually doubles to about 4 to 1 when it comes to single adults. This staggering 4 to1 ratio is what we will be focusing on over the next few posts. When I originally started to write the book “I Am Scared of Church Girls,” it was this number that I found staggering that was the centerpiece of my topic. At the time, I had no statistical data to back up that number outside just the local churches in Korea that I attended. Now, stats have proven that number to be an epidemic worldwide and now in Korea there is signs in our community that this number ratio continues to grow in an unhealthy way. This epidemic is real and deadly! So, what does this all mean? Well, on the very surface, a general ratio of 2 to 1 is clearly not good. Balance is important to all that we do in life; spiritually, physically, socially, etc. It is not uncommon to see some discrepancy in numbers throughout church history. For example; many church communities are older and many of the men have long since passed away and since woman tend to live a little longer this does add to the numbers. It was a little unclear in the American surveys whether or not elderly widows were included in the singles department, however, this mere fact of mortality does add to the ratio. Also in some places, men are often victims of going to war, which can lead to absence or death. Many men worldwide are highly mobile because of their jobs. This means they are not around long enough to be part of a census. This would also contribute to the disparity. Regardless, the numbers indicate a major problem. So, what does this 4 to 1 singles ratio mean for the church going forward? If this number is accurate than there is reason to be alarmed. If we firmly believe as Christ followers that we are not to be unequally yoked with nonbelievers than we can take this ratio to its many obvious conclusions. And one of those conclusions is that there are many faithful church girls who will never have the opportunity to be married and fulfill their desires to be a wife, mother, etc. Because of this reason alone, there will be many church girls who will reach outside the doors of the church to find a life partner. These conclusions have serious consequences we will discuss. I want to know how this 4 to 1 dynamic may affect the church dating scene. I also want to know how this affects the church community. And I also want to know how we got to this problem to begin with and if there is a way to fix this problem going forward. We are in a complicated time in church history and it is a direct reflection of our modern global society. I believe this 4 to 1 crisis represents many deep problems within our world and if we do not address it, we may have a complete church meltdown! Here are a few highlights from the Barna Survey of 2016:
Do you remember what it was like to have a crush in high school (or sooner)? I can still remember how embarrassed I would be when classmates would be like “OOOOOOh, Luke has a crush on _____ (fill in the blank).” I could never understand how they figured these things out. I was sure that I concealed my desires well, but yet classmates figured it out. I guess I could never be a spy or a good poker player. Not to mention, every time my crush was exposed I felt my life was going to end. If I ever was brave enough to confess my feelings to my crush then I knew I was risking it all. But what was I risking? Fast forward many years and here I am sitting in church. Everyone knows me and I pretty much know everyone else. We are family. I would like to think that we all loved and cared for each other to a very certain extent. We were not exactly living out Acts 2 to its fullest extent but we tried. As young adults in the church, there is a constant reminder that marriage should be on the radar. Pastors would take every pulpit opportunity they could to sneak in a wink wink reminder to us. We were reminded that “man was not meant to be alone.” And of course we were asked to notice all the available single ladies who were ready to fulfill God’s great gift of making babies and starting families. I mean, think about it... have you ever been on a Church Retreat? It is like Eharmony sponsored it. If a crush on a girl was discovered in the church family then everyone and their mother would know about it and try to build up that individual’s confidence to take the next step (assuming the approved of the crush). If that person gained enough courage to ask the girl out then her response can make or break the man. If she says “yes,” then the gossip rings will expand and wedding plans will probably be underway by those watchful eyes of the church faithful. The couple will figure out right away that their relationship has now entered the church fishbowl. Everyone will be watching and waiting to see what will happen. Every friendly gesture between the two will be analyzed. Every public display of affection or mild physical contact will scrutinized. No simple interaction between the two will ever go unnoticed in the church ever again. Women’s bible studies will be “praying” for the couple and men’s groups will have secret bets going on trying to guess when the couple will break up. But what if the girl says “no?” In this event, the man will probably be crushed. But should be able to heal from his wounds. However, he will not be able to ask another girl out in the family for quite some time unless he is willing to endure the reputation that may come with it. But let’s just say that the couple does make it through the initial awkwardness of a date. And in the church, one date is equal to pretty much changing your relationship status. But what happens when things get serious (Which in church terms, means you have dated for a few weeks) and the couple for whatever reason calls it quits? If it is a “good” break up then there is a chance the family might be able to figure things out and move on. But if it is a bad break up… hmmm… You tell me... answer the poll question. How much does your family name mean to you? In some cultures your name was your very definition in society. While in other places it is just a few letters strung together to make it easier to find you in the phone book (Do people even use those anymore?). Some people are proud of their family name and obnoxiously advertise it loud and clear like a neon sign in Las Vegas. However, there are many people who feel a bit embarrassed by their family name for a plethora of reasons and choose to hide it in shame behind lock and key. We live in world that is growing more and more pluralistic and smashed together. What was once called a broken family is now being accepted as functional. Family names become of less value as families continue to divorce, fight and break apart. Children are forced to choose sides between mommy and daddy or who knows who else. There are multiple family names living under one household and none of them carry any particular weight over another. This type of societal shift lends it hand to obvious confusion and a laundry list of problems. Marriage and family clearly do not have the same value it once did in society. All of the family issues that were eluded to above are all issues that the church has inherited. Broken families teach children early and often that trust, stability, and commitment are just not important today. And what we see now is horribly broken and dysfunctional churches that mirror the families that inhabit them. No one at any point in history ever believed the church was or could be perfect. But what we are witnessing is an epidemic that is spiritually deadly. Church is no longer a safe space to a younger generation in desperate need of so many things that the church once offered. It is under these conditions we are asking young single adults to find their life partner and raise families. A church family can be defined by saying the group in which you choose to worship with and share life with in a Christian manner. The first part of that definition is simple. Every weekend you will see millions of people all over the world getting together to “worship.” But how many people beyond that actually share life together. I think it is safe to say not too many. If more church people learned to love and share life with each other better, I guarantee less money will be spent on therapy, counseling, lawyers or prescription drugs and more money would be spent on missions, helping those in need and so on and so forth. There was a day when before I would want to ask a girl out from another church I would find out all I could about that church. I could learn a lot about who she was simply by knowing a few things about where she worshiped. It may sound somewhat judgmental and shallow, but in too many instances, it was dead on accurate and essential information. And likewise, she would ask me about my church background as well. Although this is still a common practice for many young Christians, I am seeing more and more couples asking less question about church and beliefs and more about other things. I am not sure how many times I would ask a couple if they agree on the same church/theological values and they would smile with glittery eyes and say “Oh, it doesn’t matter. We both love Jesus and that’s all we need. All that other stuff is just fluff.” Hmmm... They must be nondenominational. So, how much do you value your family name? How much do you value your church family name you are a part of? Are you committed to any of those names? Or does it even matter? I used to be embarrassed of my title of Christian. That has now changed, and I am proud to wear Christ’s name. I used to believe that church denominations were wrong and would fight hard to not be a part of them. Although I still do not like what they often represent, I would rather have those names then a generation of people who couldn’t tell you what they believed or stay committed to anything. It is often all this fear of commitment that keep couples in the church from ever dating to begin with unless they think the found the "perfect" man, woman or church! *Just a quick apology for being late on these posts. I am in China for the summer conducting ministry and it is hard to stay on top of this. Thank you for patience and keeping up. We live in a society where the term “family” is evolving at a rapid pace. Dysfunctional is the in thing and broken is the new normal. Discovering a traditional intact family in some places may be equated to finding a unicorn or Big Foot. The family institution was one of the greatest creations and gifts God made for us. It is through the family unit that we can see many attributes of God’s love at work. Families are an interesting dichotomy. In one sense, your family can be your safe bubble where you enjoy comfort and security. But the same family that provides peace and love is the same people that cause wounds deeper than the Grand Canyon. Family members have ways of getting under one’s skin unlike anyone else. How can a family be so complicated? We do not have time to dive into all the reasoning for this polarization but we do want to acknowledge it. It is impossible to begin to answer the questions involving the complications of church dating without understanding how complicated families can be. As Christian men and women, we refer to ourselves as brothers and sisters and we also like to believe as scripture insinuates that we are adopted children of God our Father. So, pretty much that makes us all family. Therefore it is essential to understand how family works and operates to gain a deeper understanding of church (or at least how God intended it to be). However, last I checked, marrying within family is considered incest. That’s totally gross!!! I mean, how often do you go to a family reunion and pick up a date? If your answer is anything less than NEVER, then I should assume you have a problem or you are from Kentucky (Sorry! I couldn’t resist). I just offended all my followers from Kentucky. Oops! When you as a couple step out on faith and start dating within the church family, your relationship will often seem a bit larger than just say you and the other person. You will have eyes and ears all over you. Welcome to the fish bowl. Perhaps if you are in a bigger church it might feel like an ocean. However, trying to keep a relationship a secret in the church is like trying to hide a fireworks display in the summer night time sky. Basically, people are going to see it, gravitate toward it, observe it, and eventually give their commentary on it. Just like a typical Fourth of July fireworks show at the local park. As we all know, everyone is different. Some people like the attention they receive from having their relationship observed and scrutinized. While others can easily fall apart under the pressure of the scrutiny and obvious whispers. There are many people who like the family involved and the accountability it can bring. But there are just as many who like their relationships to be exclusive and prefer to never be seen. Regardless of the pros and cons of this weight, it is something that should be expected when dating someone within your church family. Try dating someone without your immediate family knowing about it. Oh sure, you can hide it for a while, but the truth will find you! And my mother is the truth! For the next couple of weeks I hope to unpack this topic of dating within the church family in more detail. But as you all know (or you should know), every family is different. Every church is a little different. And of course, every person is different. No two snowflakes are the same. While some stories and examples will be true for some people, they may be entirely offensive to others. And I understand that family is a sensitive subject for many people. With all that said; stay tuned! *I am going to take a break from my normal writing schedule and answer some questions that have come across my messages the last few months. Once again, these answers are my opinion and are based on my limited knowledge, experience, and that of many conversations with others over the years. IS IT A GOOD IDEA TO DATE A LONG TIME FRIEND? I suppose there’s no way to answer this thoroughly without defining several things. My first question would be; what kind of friend are we talking about? and how long is a long time? Since I do not know the answers to those questions, I will answer this question based on the world of the friend zone. Let’s first define what the friend zone is. The friend zone is a place where the boundaries of the relationship are set on mutual interests and forbid that of romantic intentions. When a girl I like or am attracted to puts me in the friend zone, very clear images come to mind. The friend zone to me is like an oasis in the desert. It is a place of exile. Oh sure, it is comfortable under the palm trees that shade you from the scorching sun above. And the water that is there is cool enough to keep you alive. But let the truth be told, it is a prison. The place you want to be is not there. You do not want to wake up every morning only too look out past your hammock and see the hopelessness of an endless desert. You want to be in civilization sipping a latte at Starbucks, especially with the girl you like. But residing in the oasis makes life a little simpler. You know where you are and where it is safe to go. Chasing after a mirage can be deadly! Despite the simple life, every day you think about trying to escape the comfort of your oasis. You don’t have to look far before you see that the desert is full of skeletal remains of all the guys who have wasted away in the dry heat of the sun while vultures soar overhead waiting to pick off the last bit of life remaining in the many men who have tried to escape the friend zone. So, you wait another day and then another, and in time you perhaps begin to accept the fate of the friend zone. But then one day, you wake up and decide you can’t take it anymore. You take a deep breath and try to convince the girl to give you a chance, even if it means taking a chance in the death grip of the desert and losing her forever. The friend zone is a great place to be when both parties are completely cool with it. But as we all know, it is severely limited. However, the commonalities, qualities or experiences that you both share that built your relationship as friends are more than likely the same qualities you would hope to share with a spouse someday. So, do not be shocked when the friend zone is challenged by one of the 2 members within it. However, the friend zone is tough to break out of, mostly because if one person really wants to pursue something deeper, they have to pursue often at the risk of their friendship they have enjoyed. And sometimes it is scary to jeopardize a friendship when you technically do not have to. Here is a little bonus knowledge on the friend zone that I found to be mostly true for most guys I know. The friend zone is most often a result of superficial or natural attraction. The relationship that led up to being friends was one that most likely started with one side or both being attracted to the other. Which means, we became friends because I was probably interested in exploring more than just friends at some point. But somewhere along the way, one of two things commonly happened. ONE: One or both individuals decided friendship was the best option once they realized nothing romantic was to become of it. TWO: one side decided there was no chance for a romantic relationship while the other side quietly disagreed. However, I agreed to the unwritten rules of the friend zone in hope that in time perhaps they could change the other sides mind. You know you have done this! Don't judge me! I have asked out a number of girls in my life. But before I would do so, I would attempt to build a friendship first. I have always believed that I would marry someone someday that would be my best friend. So, it made sense in my mind to pursue girls I truly wanted to be with beyond just natural attraction (although it was that attraction that probably got my initial attention). I believed that there was much I can learn about someone just by being a friend first and not exclusively dating. I was able to gain a lot of friends in this process, and most of which I decided to not pursue for one reason or another. However, when it came to girls I really wanted to pursue, this approach led to a 0-22 overall record. That is a lot of rejection. I guess you should never ask me for any dating advice. 20 of the 22 girls put me in the friend zone. I just didn't know it until after I asked. The friend zone is very important in the church community. Since Jesus asks us all to love each other and to fellowship with each other, we tend to friend zone the opposite sex much quicker within the church then outside of it. Much of this is a result of panic and paranoia. You panic because your church community tends to put a lot of heavy pressure on Christian couples for many reasons. You are paranoid because you don’t know what everyone might think of you if it doesn’t work out. The friend zone is that safe place to be in at church without complicating things. And if a guy asks you out that you are not interested in, you can totally just claim you see him as a brother and nothing else, and that answer is code for FRIEND ZONE! and you have no real choice but to respect it. After all, you do not want to be a subject of gossip in church. The friend zone is also populated by a lot of people who are a result of our expectations. Don’t kid yourself, we all have a checklist (regardless of its reasonable or not). We all have expectations of what we want in a future partner. Some people’s checklists are short and simple while others are longer than the Bible. But we all have that ideal person in our mind. We desire to be with someone that fulfills our physical, mental, educational, ethnic, financial, and other expectations. When he or she doesn’t meet enough boxes checked on our checklist, we tend to put them in the friend zone. It is a safe place to put someone that you have any doubts in at all. And if they cross the boundaries, than they must pay the price within the community. That usually means they will leave the church and go somewhere else. So, should you date a friend? Ummm... why wouldn't you? The friend zone does not have to be a hopeless wasteland. For me, my friend zone with girls can often be seen as a waiting room. I never know when God might change my heart or eyes toward someone and I want to give God a chance for me to love on everyone. Who knows? maybe that one girl that I never thought I would go for will one day be someone I am willing to cross the desert for. I remember sitting at a coffee shop one time after church service with a group of young adults (mixed company) talking about a variety of topics from church, movies, sports, etc. And as usual, the conversation turned to dating and marriage. As the conversation progressed, one of the ladies at the table (one that I really, really liked) blurted out the question that quite honestly, I have heard too many times in my presence since then; “Where are all the good Christian men in the church to date?” Although I admittedly understood her cry, I could not help but to be somewhat offended. I naturally looked at her and spoke back on behalf of the several Christian single guys sitting at the table and said “Ummmm… what’s wrong with dating any of us? Are we not good Christian guys?” She responded, “Well, of course you guys are great. But none of you have stepped up and asked me out yet.” There was a pause at the table. I felt like an opportunity was just offered to me but I was scared to death to act on it. However, after a moment of awkwardness, I gathered some courage and I decided to take the initiative and cease the moment by saying, “Hey Church Girl, it would be a great honor if I could take you out on a date this week and get to know you better. Just pick a place and time and I will make it happen. What do you say?” Although it was my desire to ask this girl out, I can’t believe I just did that in front of like 9 other people. After all, I have never asked a girl out before in my life and I did not know the protocol or what to expect. But I am pretty sure I probably turned cherry red in the process. Once again, there was an awkward silence as all eyes were on her and myself. I felt as if for the first time ever, the entire Starbucks went silent (this never happens on a weekend in Seoul). As the moment continued to feel like eternity, I was gaining confidence that she would say yes. However. THE SILENCE WAS KILLING ME! She eventually spoke up (albeit, after like 3 seconds), and used two phrases that would be repeated in many different forms from then on until the present day. She said “Luke, that is very sweet of you. But you are more like a friend and we should keep it that way. Not to mention, I am dating Jesus these days. Sorry.” Wow! So, I was friend zoned and rejected in Jesus’ name all within a moment! So, my first ever rejection was in the presence of a group. I felt pretty embarrassed and a bit hurt. I was not sure what to do with that. But seriously, “DATING JESUS?” Really? WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN? Regardless of what it meant, she totally went there. A simple NO would have sufficed, but it is always good to reject someone and blame it on Jesus. It will supposedly lessen the pain, right? And just for the record, she started dating a guy in our group 4 days later! I mean, if she doesn't want "my type," then I will move on. I do not have much more to add to this post. So, I will let this sink in! |
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LUKE R ELIE Archives
February 2021
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