![]() When is a good time to date? Middle school? High school? College? Later? Never? RIGHT NOW? What is the answer to this? I am pretty sure there is no standard answer to this question and a debate would just split hairs. But let us once again revisit the definition of dating that will guide this conversation: DATING IS THE SOCIAL METHOD IN WHICH A MALE AND FEMALE SPEND A CERTAIN AMOUNT OF TIME TOGETHER TO DETERMINE MARRIAGE COMPATIBILITY.” I do not believe that dating is Biblically encouraged or discouraged for that matter, but I do believe we can honor God through our practice of it and thus we must be wise in its endeavor. Ever since Jesus left his Apostles gaping into the sky on the Mount of Olives after commanding them to get this church thing started. The Church has been fighting constant culture battles with society. We can see throughout history how the church has shifted with so many social changes or social introductions. Are these shifts a good thing? I believe some of them are and some of them are clearly detrimental. When it comes to the questions of dating; the answers always and perhaps rightfully fall back on the idea of marriage. If marriage is not part of the process of dating then I wonder if there is not much the church can say or do to encourage you. Outside the church we are told that dating is and should be a fun activity that is usually self-serving. This is keeping with the standard philosophy saying “if you are happy then do it. If the other person is happy as well, then KEEP DOING whatever IT is.” Society is constantly on the hot pursuit of happiness and pleasure and most of us if not ALL of us are influenced highly by this and the church has all too often embraced it. But is it wrong to seek happiness and pleasure? Of course not. And of course it can be (WHY CAN’T WE HAVE A BLACK AND WHITE ANSWER?). Inside the church people often are given a different answer: “If you are doing something just to make yourself feel good… DAMNATION!!!!” Okay, maybe not that bad, but some people feel this is the message. Growing up in the church, I often felt that Christians were the ultimate kill joys when it came to just about everything fun. I was convinced at a young age that girls were of the devil and any good feelings associated with them would call down the wrath of God upon my poor innocent soul. But even with this constant threat looming over me, I still rebelled as a child and kept my crushes within eyesight. Even though I had no idea what to do with girls in my formative years, one thing I did know; I REALLY LIKED THEM! It is hard for the church to answer the question of WHEN ONE SHOULD DATE without pretty much offending everyone in this overly sensitive world we live in. We can’t really interject the Bible’s view into this conversation without admitting cultural and social differences. I mean, think about it, people didn’t date in general. If a man and woman wanted to get together, then two parties got together and negotiated. After the man’s side gave up a cow and a goat, the bride would then show up ready to go. And both the boy and girl would be expected to start crankin’ out babies ASAP because the Genesis 1:28 was not a suggestion. Let’s also not forget that often these girls were on the average like 15 years old when this happened. So, for Christians to avoid jail time, Joshua Harris wrote a book called I KISSED DATING GOOD BYE to complicate things further. Let me just take a few minutes to simply share my thoughts and experience about what I have believed and done over the years. I personally saw/see dating as a means to determine a life/ministry partner (pretty much the definition we have). Even as a teen and college student, I did not see any reason for dating anyone unless I was at a point of getting married. Basically, if I am not ready to be married then I wasn't ready to date. I was about 15 years old when I committed to this plan. And since I did not have marriage on my high school radar I figured singleness made more sense mentally, spiritually and of course, FINANCIALLY. However, socially and physically it was cool to have the attention of a girl in my proximity, but I never cared to pursue anything. This stood in clear opposition to my peers all around me of course. So, I think I deserve a GOOD JOB sticker. People assumed many things about me when I never pursued dating. I was told girls didn’t want to be with me, people wondered if I was gay, I must have ZERO game, I was too shy, etc. (I heard it all). Especially as a college athlete, it was abnormal for a guy in my position to not be driven by my hormones in that direction. Well, truth be told, throughout high school and college, I REALLY DIDN’T CARE ABOUT DATING. I was more focused on basketball than anything else. Seriously, I was in a full time committed relationship with the game of basketball and I couldn’t cheat on the game by having a girlfriend. That was seriously my mindset. Once I graduated from college and began my overseas teaching career in Korea, all shackles were off, I had an amazing paycheck of like $800 a month (for a poor MK, this was wealth) and marriage was finally on my radar. BRING IT ON!!! But as the new and available Luke was being declared, I immediately scoped out the territory to find out where all the girls who I would be introducing myself to were located. However, this is not college anymore, and they were not meandering around campus bored and lonely. This is the real world, so, where were they? Well, let it be known, I found them. They were waiting for SUPER STUD LUKE (AKA Church Guy) on the other side of the front doors of the church. I always knew I wanted to marry a good little church girl. But what I learned next is what inspired the title of these blogs.
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![]() I was a nervous wreck for an 8 year old boy. I can still remember the moment like it was yesterday. I meticulously folded the note I was conspicuously writing while the teacher wasn’t paying attention. I then quickly/stealthily placed the note on the girl’s desk behind me. I was super excited to accomplish this. After all, it is not easy for a boy my age to overcome the fear of the deadly disease of cooties that all little girls possessed. But this girl was worth the risk. She was pretty and could kick a soccer ball better than Lionel Messi. As I waited in trepidation, I could hear the paper being unfolded slowly behind me. I was sure my life was going to change forever. The note was simple and direct. It said “DO YOU LIKE ME?” with two options saying YES or NO. I felt so proud of myself as I assumed the most beautiful girl I knew was reading this and would no doubt choose YES. I figured that the worst case scenario in my little mind was if she circled NO, I would just have to find a different girl to throw dirt on during recess time. However, to my ultimate horror, neither of those scenarios played out. Instead, she raised her hand and said “Teacher, Luke is passing me notes.” I sunk down in my seat as the teacher approached me and the class in unison rung out in a chorus of OOOOOOOOH’s. The girl then handed her the note and the teacher proceeded to read it out loud. The class laughed hysterically at my words and I must have turned as red as a cherry as I just wanted my life to be over at that moment. My heart was broken and my life as I knew it in 3rd grade was pretty much over. #scarredforlife. Here I am 30 years later and I am still trying to figure out the world of girls, love, relationships, dating, etc. I sometimes wonder if I am no closer to solving those mysteries as I was as an 8 year old kid who just wanted to have someone to share lunch with and play together after school. What I have learned over time is that love kind of stinks! At no point has it not been complicated, embarrassing, heartbreaking or simply emotionally draining. But yet, I still run after it like a crazy storm chaser who sees a deadly tornado on the radar. WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME? (What is wrong with storm chasers for that matter?) I have liked girls for as long as I can remember. I can still tell you the names of all the girls I have had a crush on since I was in kindergarten (there were quite a few). I have always wanted to have one for myself. Growing up and even now, girls were like a ray of sunshine. They were bright and warm but detrimental if you stared too long at them. And let's face it, even if I could capture sunlight, what would I have done with it? There is no doubt that I want to be married and the most reasonable modern method of accomplishing this is going through the process of dating. I used to think that arranged marriages would be so much better and less complicated. However, after seeing the girls that my parents and friends have tried to hook me up with, I would rather go with the world of dating and sort it out that way. After all, I kind of like the challenge. As an athlete I love competition. I love winning. I love accomplishing goals that I set out for myself. Most people do not like to admit it, but dating is by all means a game. There are winners and there are losers! And there are those who just do not play. But let’s not waste too much time talking about how complicated and ugly dating can be. We all know that already. However, dating within the church is almost a whole other beast that seems untamable. There are so many other factors that seem to be in play that make things far more complicated than they need to be, especially in a world that is getting harder to live in. The drama that plays out in the church in general is enough to keep people awake at nights. The drama that comes from dating within the church context can easily lead to chronic fatigue and insomnia. Relationships, dating, etc. are always great subjects of gossip for church people to engage in at potlucks, Bible studies, or after church in the foyer, but it is rarely addressed behind the pulpit. Much of this is due to its taboo label and lack of information found in scripture. We have a lot of info talking about marriage in the Bible but not so much the process that leads to it. Since the church tends to not take up the challenge of helping folks through this awkward and scary stage of dating, most people will look to other sources to fill in the holes. The question I want to ask you is: “WHERE DO YOU GET YOUR INFORMATION OR ADVICE ON DATING?” Google? Trial and error? Friends? TV? Movies? Cosmopolitan Magazine? Etc.? If I ever need advice about dating, I just go to my newly married friends. Especially right after they've returned from their honeymoon. They totally have everything from dating and marriage all figured out. And they usually can’t wait to tell you their wealth of knowledge. It is kind of like listening to a teenager explain to their mom and dad how parenting works. Although there are nuggets of wisdom that can be gleaned, I try to be friendly and not roll my eyes too often. DON’T JUDGE ME! YOU KNOW EXACTLY WHAT I AM TALKING ABOUT! So, what is the definition of dating? What is its purpose? I am going to stick with a simple definition that I think most of us can understand. "DATING IS THE SOCIAL METHOD IN WHICH A MALE AND FEMALE SPEND A CERTAIN AMOUNT OF TIME TOGETHER TO DETERMINE MARRIAGE COMPATIBILITY." I know some people may disagree with this definition, but that's okay. But as a Christian, I can not imagine dating being used for too many other reasons other than something that leads to marriage. We will break that down later. Let’s go back briefly to my initial story in 3rd grade. For many guys, the hardest part of dating is just simply asking a girl on a date or sharing their feelings with the one they like. The fear of rejection is real and to be honest, I do not have a lot of success in girls circling the “YES” option on the note. So, if you are looking for good advice from someone with a good track record, then go somewhere else. However, win or lose, once I man up and ask the girl out, the bigger fear awaits me: WHAT IF SHE SAYS YES? ![]() I must say, it is a joy to write some of these blogs. As of right now, I am sitting on a five hour train ride from Beijing to Shenyang, China. My “work” (something I cannot openly discuss in a communist country) takes me places all over and gives me a lot of time to reflect on things. As I look out the window at what would be vast mountains that are hidden behind the disgusting pollution/dust from the Gobi Desert, I am reminded of the many family trips that we as a “Church” family embarked on growing up. Most of our trips bordered on the lines of funny or tragic (depending on who was recalling the memory). I would look at movies like National Lampoon’s Family Vacation as a boring historical family drama as opposed to hysterical comedy. I always thought it would be fun to make a movie called CHURCH FAMILY VACATION (rated R for RIDICULOUS). So, what does a typical Church family look like? Unlike a single church girl or guy, a church family sticks out like a sore thumb (probably because they travel in packs). And every Sunday they descend upon us all whether the world is ready or not. Once again, I am going to draw from personal experience and share a story from my earlier writings and life experiences. Keep in mind, these stories are a dramatized collection of real life events that took place in some form or another over a scattered period of time but did not factually occur the way they were written. Enjoy! “…Getting out of bed this Sunday morning was simple. Waking up on most Sundays are usually a chore and a half, but not this day. I didn’t have to wake up because I don’t think I was ever even asleep to begin with. Anticipation in my heart, mind and soul was mounting all week because today was the day I had the chance to eat lunch after service with Church Girl. I was super pumped. I think I even did a cartwheel out of bed and into the bathroom that morning. I walked into church with a skip in my step while humming the tune to Lovely Day. My appearance was clear that I spent a few extra moments prepping myself in the mirror at home. As I arrived, I took my normal spot in the front pew and once Church Girl was done leading worship with the praise team she took her usual spot behind my left shoulder with her family. I naturally peeked back a few times to exchange a smile. I am convinced that the service seemed to go on forever and then some. My left foot began to tap incessantly in its normal nervous A.D.D. way as I thought the pastor was never going to finish. The benediction even seemed longer than normal. However, the clock on the back wall indicated that we got out at the same late time as usual. Regardless, we all stood and prayed and the pastor finally sent us on our way. I immediately turned around and greeted the girl with a smile. She returned the smile and introduced me to the various people around her. “Mom and Dad, this is the guy I was telling you about that will be joining us for lunch today.” Upon hearing those words I went into an internal state of panic. Inwardly I screamed at the top of my lungs “WHAT!!!! THE PARENTS ARE COMING TO?” Of course my outward demeanor was more than calm, cool and cordial. I smiled and took a deep breath as her and I walked out to the parking lot accompanied by her parents, two brothers and a sister. I suppose if they had a pet dog, cat or goldfish, then they would have joined as well. We went to the usual church people’s buffet spot. I am pretty sure local buffets sponsor churches and their desire to indulge in the sin of gluttony. The food was somewhat economical but certainly filling. We all ate to our heart’s failing content. Families from all over town and many other church denominations made their way to this sacred place all dressed in their Sunday best. Screaming kids and crying babies seem to be the norm as we indulged on food that would leave us in a certain state of regret. The conversation with Church Girl was a bit more limited as to what I was hoping for, mostly because the father dominated most it. He clearly wanted to know my political and theological views while asserting himself as the patriarch and alpha male at the table. The conversation was a bit dull but I smiled and did all I could do to pretend to be interested and also sound intelligent. It seemed no matter what I said he was less than impressed. He even referred to me as a liberal a few times and wondered if this was something my parents taught me or something I learned on my own from some professor in college. I constantly tried to move the conversation somewhere else but to no avail. It was clear at this point, that escaping the grasp of this man was going to take an act of God or a Navy Seal’s sniper bullet. As the inevitable food coma started to sink in, the conversation/inquisition finally died down in my direction when the father’s attention was finally diverted as their two sons of ages 9 and 11 decided to get into a food fight of sorts. I took advantage of the sudden break in the action to casually ask Church Girl how she enjoyed her lunch. She was about to answer when her little sister of 14 years of age decided to deflate the moment by obnoxiously saying; “OOOOOOOOH. Sister has a new boyfriend.” With an obvious tint of blush on her face she turned around and scowled at her sibling for the embarrassment. I awkwardly smiled. After all, the whole day was not as I planned and all I could do at this point was smile. After Church Girl recovered from her little sister’s comment, she quietly dismissed herself to the bathroom. In her absence the father finally came back to where I was sitting. He looked like he just stopped Cain from killing Abel and his big sigh and smirk confirmed that thought. As I was inhaling a handful of French fries the father bluntly said “So, what are your intentions with my daughter?” At that moment, half of the French fries I decided to devour went down the wrong tube. Oxygen immediately stopped flowing. The father looked at me a bit puzzled as I was awkwardly choking. In my pain and embarrassment, I could not help but hope that this was my timely and welcomed death. Once the father knew that my red face was due to a lack of oxygen and not shying from his pointed question. He immediately jumped up to perform a more primitive version of the Heimlich maneuver. The scene was quite awkward as the father looked like he was attempting a move that can only be seen on WWE. At this point the restaurant’s patrons have become quite enamored at the sight of me approaching death physically and emotionally. And with one final MMA move by Church Girl’s father, the French fry that was lodged in my esophagus came loose and fell on the table restoring my life. The restaurant’s people stood and applauded as the father bowed to acknowledge the crowd as the proud hero. Church Girl at this point was watching from a distance and was not really sure what happened and how to respond. I was just happy that my near death experience saved me from answering the father’s direct question that I was not prepared to answer and it gave me an opportunity to excuse myself and escape the presence of this family. I am pretty sure this was not a good first impression.” Next blog: What is dating? ![]() So, is it possible to describe what a CHURCH GUY looks like? Is there a specific way they dress, act or whatever? Maybe… or maybe not. Regardless, it is fun for the sake of thought process to think about different ways a church guy may manifest himself to the world. I decided to simply just give you a story from my previous writings on this subject. This is not a TRUE story... sort of. I walked into the church filled with anticipation on this particular Sunday. As usual, I am very fashionably late. This is not without cause of course, because I know that when I show up that all eyes will be on me. This is very essential to my bloated ego. As I prepare to walk into the sanctuary, I know right where all the eligible single girls are located and I usually make a special effort to sit in proximity of them. After all, I have proclaimed myself the church’s most eligible bachelor. But today is different, I have only one girl on my mind and my goal was set on the one who happens to be leading worship that day. As the music is playing and the congregation is offering their reverent worship to God, I show up and stroll down the aisle in a cool and smooth manner while attempting to lock eyes with my objective whose fingers move ever so gently over the keyboard. My clothes are freshly pressed and shoes are nicely shined and my hair and fingernails are perfectly groomed for this occasion. However, all of that is completely overshadowed by my bright leather Bible that seemed to shine under the glow of the crystal chandeliers, blinding everyone I walked by with big golden letters saying "CHURCH STUD" strategically placed under the word "HOLY." As I make my way down the aisle toward the front row where my usual seat is located I finally caught Church Girl's beautiful eyes glance toward me from behind the keyboard and microphone. At that moment I smiled to myself while silently saying the words “I Gotcha” under my breath. As the singing continues, the music gets softer and slower. At this point I slowly lift my hands in a very worshipful manner. As my hands are raised higher and higher, I could not help but smirk at the thought of yelling out the word "TOUCHDOWN!" to see the reaction of all the Church Elders. But I was able to refrain. At that point I stealthily look in Church Girl's direction to make sure that she is observing my amazingly spiritual behavior. However, I noticed that she has not yet acknowledged me in the way I would like. Therefore, Plan B goes into motion. I immediately drop into my seat and hold my face in my hands and start crying like a baby. Once I was able to squeeze a tear out I started asking the people around me for tissue. There is no doubt that this scene I am causing nearby stage has caught the attention of my goal, Church Girl. Even the pastor nearby has taken notice and is wondering if I am okay. The pastor approaches me to check on me and I assure him all is well and that the Holy Spirit must be moving. Was this a blasphemous move on my part? OF COURSE! But who can think rationally when lost in the moment of pursuit. Once the singing is complete, the worship team takes its usual place and just like clockwork she takes her place right behind me. The pastor then encourages everyone to prepare for offering time. The pastor thinks that he is cutting edge because he mixes up the order of service from time to time. That usually means that offering is sometimes at the end of service or in the middle. However, once again, I was ready. The offering plate is passed and of course I make sure that the plate stops at my seat because I was too busy with worship and tears to prepare my money. I slowly drop the cash little by little in the plate. Hoping no one notices that they are all single dollar bills. Once again, this gains the attention of Church Girl who is sitting behind me. The sermon begins and of course the big Bible was pulled out along with a notebook. My pen follows the pastor’s every word as I take down notes in an attempt to show my studious side. The angle of the notes is strategically placed on my lap in perfect view of Church Girl sitting just over my left shoulder. Once the sermon was over I was pleasantly blindsided by a rare time of confession and prayer (this never happens at old fashion, fundamental and conservative churches because it might accidentally turn into a Benny Hinn moment). I had to think fast in order to use this as an opportunity. After a brief moment of chaotic deliberation, I turn to the people around me and begin praying for them. This of course probably freaked everyone out, but who is going to turn down a prayer? I made sure I reached out to a few random people before I turned to my objective and her family, after all, I don’t want to be too obvious. With confidence I say to her; “May I pray for you? I feel that God has laid a desire on my heart to pray for you.” I know that this will appear to be a bit charismatic to her and her conservative family but in my moment of panic I went for it. In an awkward exchange of UMMMMMMs, Church Girl allows the prayer to take place under the unsolicited watchful eyes of her stern father sitting next to her. I took the opportunity to ask her for a few prayer requests. The next few words are crucial to my cause. I take pride in the ability to analyze words well and using the prayer requests that she gives me is a possible doorway into her life. (I know, I know… you readers are all judging me right now!!!). Once again in hesitation she quickly gives me a few generic requests to work with. After a long drawn out prayer that ends in tears for both parties, Church Girl leans over quietly and thanks me for my love and care as a brother in Christ. At this point I feel that I have scored a major victory in my goal to capture Church Girl’s heart. Since the music was still playing on stage I took a deep breath and was about to reach out to the father and ask in fear to pray for him as well. But the pastor saved me by closing in prayer. WHEW! After sharing this very intense intimate moment with Church Girl, getting her to lunch in the near future to share more about her life should be easy. However, she was busy that afternoon but we arranged to have lunch next Sunday. SCOOOOOOORE! This may come across as a rather ridiculous story of a hopeless guy in pursuit of a girl but I know there is a hint of reality in all the different scenarios presented. So, how do you get the attention of the opposite sex while in church? Or should we not be concerned with this in church? And what do you think a Church Guy really looks like? Have you met guys like this in the church? Tell me your thoughts. Next post is about what a CHURCH FAMILY looks like. ![]() DISCLAIMER: THIS POST IS PART OF A GREATER CONTEXT THAT WAS IMPOSSIBLE TO SUMMARIZE. Have you ever been on a blind date? I mean a real blind date? Not one where you discovered the name of your date beforehand and proceeded to do a little Facebook stalking to alleviate some of the “blindness.” Every once in a while one of my friends will try to recommend a girl to me. Of course, as a single man, I will entertain suggestions of all kinds. In an attempt to not sound too shallow, I will ask a few probing questions like “What is her name? What does she do? Where does she live? Etc.” Once I feel safe enough, I pop the question: “So, do you have a photo?” It is funny how different guys and girls are when describing potential dating partners to their male friends. When I ask about who she is, a girl will more than likely tell me a long list of amazing qualities this individual possesses that may or may not include how pretty she is. A guy on the other hand will probably respond in a caveman type voice and headline a short list with “Dude, she is like totally hot and really nice and…uhhh (grunt grunt), oh yeah, and she goes to church. Do you wanna meet her?” I remember my mother trying to recommend a good church girl to me once. My mother was very up front, she basically said, “Luke, she is really nice, she is a pastor’s kid, great cook, great singer and has a very beautiful heart for God. Buuuuuut, she is a little on the larger side. I think she deserves a chance.” I will agree that all girls are created in God’s image and are deserving of an opportunity to be pursued and loved by a man who will give their life for them. However, that doesn’t mean that man has to be ME. I mean, let’s face it church girls worldwide, I can’t have all of you (Pause for possible Mormon joke reference). With that said, I have been accused on more than a few occasions of being TOO PICKY. Does looks really matter at the end of the day? And should looks really matter to a man that claims Christ as his Savior? After all, Christ loves us JUST AS WE ARE; right? As we all know, humans (male and female) are very visual creatures. Our eyes help us pass out judgment like a clown on stilts passes out candy at the local Memorial Day Parade. In a perfect world, one would not need to judge anyone based on their appearance because we would all see each other as Christ sees people, through their heart. However, if you haven’t noticed today, we do not live in the Garden of Eden and as much as I would like to try, my eyes still do not possess Christ’s inward heart looking X-ray vision. Which means in short, LOOKS MATTER. Let's be honest, do you really want people seeing your heart? To me that is more scary. But how much do or should looks matter? And what should we be looking for? Well, there is no real standard answer on this because we all see and desire different things. Church people often like to throw around scriptures like Proverbs 31:30 which states “Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised” (Does anyone remember the classic DC Talk song Kinda Girl?) or the many New Testament verses talking about a women’s beauty is found within and not by what she wears or whatever. But let’s just face it people, it’s a rare day when a man is willing to dig into that inner beauty without first being attracted to the girl first. But then you might ask "what if the girl is just not that attractive?" Thank God that beauty is in the eye of the Creator and not only the beholder. Beauty comes in all shapes, sizes, colors, etc. And if you are a girl who thinks she is unattractive, think again. God did not create unattractive things. Just because many of the men around may not be attracted to you, doesn’t mean someone else isn’t. That doesn’t mean we should just let ourselves go and not care about what we look like and present ourselves. After all, our bodies are the Temple of the Holy Spirit and we need to present them as living sacrifices. TAKE CARE OF IT! And trust God to provide someone who will adore it as much as He does. This goes for men as well. **This will be addressed in later posts. How does one even begin to describe what a Church Girl looks like? After all, we live in a politically correct world that casts shame upon stereotypes and harsh judgement on those who make them. Heaven forbid that the PC Police would ever admit that stereotypes are caused by presuppositions that are conditioned into our brains by society, experiences and common sense. We interact with the world around us using these basics of stereotypes and/or presuppositions because our brains operate this way. So, HOW DARE YOU JUDGE ME for being who I am. I WAS BORN THIS WAY! To a lot of people in this world, Church Girls are easy to pick out of a crowd. One such stereotype may sound like the following: “…these girls could be described as the Little House on the Prairie types (you know; Laura Ingalls Wilder?) or someone dressed like they walked off the cover of a box of Quaker Oats Cereal but with the smile and joy of a Mary Poppins and complimented by a touch of Martha Stuart’s hospitality skills (minus the “going to prison” part).” And of course these girls can always be found once a week with like-minded and like-looking individuals huddled around a Beth Moore book study and sharing their favorite casserole recipes while preparing the next church’s potluck. So, is a church girl considered rebellious if she doesn’t fit this mold? What do you think a church girl should look like or act like? I have heard a lot of opinions and crazy ideas through the years. Please let me know some you have heard. |
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LUKE R ELIE Archives
February 2021
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