*I am going to take a break from my normal writing schedule and answer some questions that have come across my messages the last few months. Once again, these answers are my opinion and are based on my limited knowledge, experience, and that of many conversations with others over the years. IS IT A GOOD IDEA TO DATE A LONG TIME FRIEND? I suppose there’s no way to answer this thoroughly without defining several things. My first question would be; what kind of friend are we talking about? and how long is a long time? Since I do not know the answers to those questions, I will answer this question based on the world of the friend zone. Let’s first define what the friend zone is. The friend zone is a place where the boundaries of the relationship are set on mutual interests and forbid that of romantic intentions. When a girl I like or am attracted to puts me in the friend zone, very clear images come to mind. The friend zone to me is like an oasis in the desert. It is a place of exile. Oh sure, it is comfortable under the palm trees that shade you from the scorching sun above. And the water that is there is cool enough to keep you alive. But let the truth be told, it is a prison. The place you want to be is not there. You do not want to wake up every morning only too look out past your hammock and see the hopelessness of an endless desert. You want to be in civilization sipping a latte at Starbucks, especially with the girl you like. But residing in the oasis makes life a little simpler. You know where you are and where it is safe to go. Chasing after a mirage can be deadly! Despite the simple life, every day you think about trying to escape the comfort of your oasis. You don’t have to look far before you see that the desert is full of skeletal remains of all the guys who have wasted away in the dry heat of the sun while vultures soar overhead waiting to pick off the last bit of life remaining in the many men who have tried to escape the friend zone. So, you wait another day and then another, and in time you perhaps begin to accept the fate of the friend zone. But then one day, you wake up and decide you can’t take it anymore. You take a deep breath and try to convince the girl to give you a chance, even if it means taking a chance in the death grip of the desert and losing her forever. The friend zone is a great place to be when both parties are completely cool with it. But as we all know, it is severely limited. However, the commonalities, qualities or experiences that you both share that built your relationship as friends are more than likely the same qualities you would hope to share with a spouse someday. So, do not be shocked when the friend zone is challenged by one of the 2 members within it. However, the friend zone is tough to break out of, mostly because if one person really wants to pursue something deeper, they have to pursue often at the risk of their friendship they have enjoyed. And sometimes it is scary to jeopardize a friendship when you technically do not have to. Here is a little bonus knowledge on the friend zone that I found to be mostly true for most guys I know. The friend zone is most often a result of superficial or natural attraction. The relationship that led up to being friends was one that most likely started with one side or both being attracted to the other. Which means, we became friends because I was probably interested in exploring more than just friends at some point. But somewhere along the way, one of two things commonly happened. ONE: One or both individuals decided friendship was the best option once they realized nothing romantic was to become of it. TWO: one side decided there was no chance for a romantic relationship while the other side quietly disagreed. However, I agreed to the unwritten rules of the friend zone in hope that in time perhaps they could change the other sides mind. You know you have done this! Don't judge me! I have asked out a number of girls in my life. But before I would do so, I would attempt to build a friendship first. I have always believed that I would marry someone someday that would be my best friend. So, it made sense in my mind to pursue girls I truly wanted to be with beyond just natural attraction (although it was that attraction that probably got my initial attention). I believed that there was much I can learn about someone just by being a friend first and not exclusively dating. I was able to gain a lot of friends in this process, and most of which I decided to not pursue for one reason or another. However, when it came to girls I really wanted to pursue, this approach led to a 0-22 overall record. That is a lot of rejection. I guess you should never ask me for any dating advice. 20 of the 22 girls put me in the friend zone. I just didn't know it until after I asked. The friend zone is very important in the church community. Since Jesus asks us all to love each other and to fellowship with each other, we tend to friend zone the opposite sex much quicker within the church then outside of it. Much of this is a result of panic and paranoia. You panic because your church community tends to put a lot of heavy pressure on Christian couples for many reasons. You are paranoid because you don’t know what everyone might think of you if it doesn’t work out. The friend zone is that safe place to be in at church without complicating things. And if a guy asks you out that you are not interested in, you can totally just claim you see him as a brother and nothing else, and that answer is code for FRIEND ZONE! and you have no real choice but to respect it. After all, you do not want to be a subject of gossip in church. The friend zone is also populated by a lot of people who are a result of our expectations. Don’t kid yourself, we all have a checklist (regardless of its reasonable or not). We all have expectations of what we want in a future partner. Some people’s checklists are short and simple while others are longer than the Bible. But we all have that ideal person in our mind. We desire to be with someone that fulfills our physical, mental, educational, ethnic, financial, and other expectations. When he or she doesn’t meet enough boxes checked on our checklist, we tend to put them in the friend zone. It is a safe place to put someone that you have any doubts in at all. And if they cross the boundaries, than they must pay the price within the community. That usually means they will leave the church and go somewhere else. So, should you date a friend? Ummm... why wouldn't you? The friend zone does not have to be a hopeless wasteland. For me, my friend zone with girls can often be seen as a waiting room. I never know when God might change my heart or eyes toward someone and I want to give God a chance for me to love on everyone. Who knows? maybe that one girl that I never thought I would go for will one day be someone I am willing to cross the desert for.
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I remember sitting at a coffee shop one time after church service with a group of young adults (mixed company) talking about a variety of topics from church, movies, sports, etc. And as usual, the conversation turned to dating and marriage. As the conversation progressed, one of the ladies at the table (one that I really, really liked) blurted out the question that quite honestly, I have heard too many times in my presence since then; “Where are all the good Christian men in the church to date?” Although I admittedly understood her cry, I could not help but to be somewhat offended. I naturally looked at her and spoke back on behalf of the several Christian single guys sitting at the table and said “Ummmm… what’s wrong with dating any of us? Are we not good Christian guys?” She responded, “Well, of course you guys are great. But none of you have stepped up and asked me out yet.” There was a pause at the table. I felt like an opportunity was just offered to me but I was scared to death to act on it. However, after a moment of awkwardness, I gathered some courage and I decided to take the initiative and cease the moment by saying, “Hey Church Girl, it would be a great honor if I could take you out on a date this week and get to know you better. Just pick a place and time and I will make it happen. What do you say?” Although it was my desire to ask this girl out, I can’t believe I just did that in front of like 9 other people. After all, I have never asked a girl out before in my life and I did not know the protocol or what to expect. But I am pretty sure I probably turned cherry red in the process. Once again, there was an awkward silence as all eyes were on her and myself. I felt as if for the first time ever, the entire Starbucks went silent (this never happens on a weekend in Seoul). As the moment continued to feel like eternity, I was gaining confidence that she would say yes. However. THE SILENCE WAS KILLING ME! She eventually spoke up (albeit, after like 3 seconds), and used two phrases that would be repeated in many different forms from then on until the present day. She said “Luke, that is very sweet of you. But you are more like a friend and we should keep it that way. Not to mention, I am dating Jesus these days. Sorry.” Wow! So, I was friend zoned and rejected in Jesus’ name all within a moment! So, my first ever rejection was in the presence of a group. I felt pretty embarrassed and a bit hurt. I was not sure what to do with that. But seriously, “DATING JESUS?” Really? WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN? Regardless of what it meant, she totally went there. A simple NO would have sufficed, but it is always good to reject someone and blame it on Jesus. It will supposedly lessen the pain, right? And just for the record, she started dating a guy in our group 4 days later! I mean, if she doesn't want "my type," then I will move on. I do not have much more to add to this post. So, I will let this sink in! Before we tackle this next series of blogs involving dating in this church generation, I think it is imperative to address the obvious disconnect between this generation and that of their parents. The Bible does say that we as children need to honor our parents, but it also says that parents shouldn’t provoke their children to anger. So, who is winning or losing that battle? Some people would ask why this topic is even worth bringing up in a blog like this. The answer is simple, your parents and grandparents are more than likely the ones paying the bills to keep your local church lights on, and they are the ones praying for you because all they want is their children to join them in their version of Christian fellowship. But instead, our generation would prefer to be as far away from our parents on a Sunday as possible. But is that wrong? I remember growing up in school and having teachers tell me; “If you have any problems, go to your parents first, they will understand and can help you.” This seems like reasonable advice and I would still give it to anyone. I do believe there is much to be learned from those who brought you into the world, however, I do believe that many of the problems this single generation faces in this world are so different than that of their parents that most parents are just left scratching their heads because they cannot relate in a way their kids need. For example, many parents today cannot fathom why you are sending a message to a girl you like at church during the pastor's sermon but never talk to her in person. Why does this disconnect exist? I think the easy answer is technology. Technology has changed the way people gather information, communicate and relate. Most of us will agree that there are a lot of benefits to instant info and responses. However, your parent’s generation did not have those luxuries and therefore their brains were wired to process things differently. Your parents were more likely to relate to their parents better than this generation is to their parents. Because of this lack of communication, frustration grows and too often for the sake of peace in the family, they just choose to separate or not talk about anything in general. This is becoming the predominant picture of today's church. This picture can be seen in my parent's house every summer. I kind of feel bad for my mother who I know is frustrated by myself and sister who comes home to visit once a year and within minutes of arrival we are on our computers and phones while my mother just watches and criticizes us. I know she just wants to visit us but if she bugs us too much a fight will break out. So, why is this important to CHURCH DATING? Well, to put it simply, most of your churches today in America especially (or Korea where I currently am) can be divided straight down the generational lines (and yes there are many exceptions who crossover on both sides). Our parent’s generation still has a strangle hold on the church and its direction and because of the communication with the younger generation, you see a great chasm. Younger people will ultimately go and find or start churches that reaches themselves as opposed to their community while the older generation stands pat and keeps the doors guarded to keep out anyone who might disrupt their way of life and thinking. Both sides think they are right. So, who will win this great generational church battle? Honestly, NO ONE will win. The older generation will naturally die off sooner and bury itself under their steeple. The younger church may live longer but without the older generation to keep them grounded, they will undoubtedly go in some random direction that will probably look even further from what God intended. And as they get older they will ultimately look the same to the next generation as they looked at generation before them. Since the beginning of time, God set up the traditional family in a way where each generation was ushered in by the one before and therefore this practice would continue to be handed down for thousands of years. This practice kept families and communities strong. I believe God’s intent for the church was the same. A healthy church will appear as a family that embraces and includes believers of all generations working together. But sadly, the idea of working together only means if one generation bows down to the other. It almost looks like the political system in America between Democrats and Republicans. I know there are a lot angles as to why things are the way they are and I am aware that I am speaking in general terms, but I hope this makes you think a little bit about the condition of the church as we move forward. The Church is supposed to represent the community as opposed to our personal preferences and agendas. But regardless if you attend a “church” that still uses hymnals or if you have a worship lyrics app, this is the church where we are at and this is where people still hope to find that special someone. But all too often, singles are looking elsewhere. By the way, this is not this week’s post. This is just something I felt like I needed to share before I moved on with the topics. Please leave comments! Thanks! PS. THANKS FOR MAKING MY LAST POST HIT OVER 2000 VIEWS! Now that we have discussed who we should date and potentially when, it is now time to talk about WHERE we as Church folk can find a date. This should be simple enough, right? I mean, singles just need to go to church and meet each other, get married, "be fruitful and multiply" and then live happily ever after. It is almost like a Hollywood movie (Minus the love triangle, the hook up at the bar or club, the random sex, the complicated drama that leads to the final twist in the plot probably because of the random sex, etc.). As everyone one knows by now, relationships rarely cross over into the realm of storybook and not every Christian girl was shaped by Janette Oke novels. So, just for fun, I took a poll of several people and also a last minute post on Facebook to get some insight as to where Christians usually find their dates (thank you to the 20 people who responded). The plan is simple here, I will just address the top five answers as they were compiled and give a few random impromptu thoughts on them (these opinions will be from my personal experiences and a bit raw). Are you ready? Of course you are. That’s why you even bothered to start reading in the first place. #5 MISSION TRIPS: As a missionary, I love this answer. And I won’t lie, I have had some good opportunities to hook up over the years on missions trips. There is no doubt for me that seeing a girl in action serving a people in need is a major turn on. Not to mention you get to share an awesome group experience that you and her will always have regardless if you hook up forever or not. Wouldn't it sound super cool and spiritual to tell your kids someday that you met your wife on the mission field? My first ever kiss was on a missions trip (FYI). Clearly I was focused on the mission! #4 COFFEE SHOPS: I am glad this was a top five choice, because I really do love coffee! I used to believe that God was going to provide my special someone by meeting her in a Starbucks sipping on a Caramel Macchiato while reading her leather bound Bible. I literally would go to Starbucks or whatever my favorite coffee shop was at the time and just wait (while doing my work of course, I AM NOT A STALKER!). I met a lot of people and had a lot of great conversations over the years but none that led to my goal. I am actually in a coffee shop right now writing this and as one eye is focused on this blog, my other eye is on the lookout for whatever might come. My second ever kiss was at a coffee shop (FYI). #3 SMALL GROUPS/BIBLE STUDIES: Just to let you know, my third kiss didn’t happen at small groups, so I will get that out of the way now to ruin the suspense. Anyways, anyone who knows me knows that I love small group type ministry above pretty much anything else when it comes to building community, fellowship and spiritual growth. These types of venues are great for singles to meet up and grow together and possibly hook up for a date or two. I have met some of the best girls ever through small groups. There is no doubt that I find it super attractive when a girl shares knowledge about the Bible and is able to use her life story effectively to enhance a group. However, I have never once got a date out of a small group setting. I have gotten a few rejections however. But I will unpack this more in a later post. #2 www.christianmingle.com/ ONLINE DATING I pretty much knew this would be on the list. I was a bit disappointed it came in so high at #2. However, I will drop my two cents on it. I think online dating certainly fits a new societal norm that is unprecedented in history. However, I personally have no desire to be a part of it. I like the idea of being old fashion in an ever changing world. I know a lot of people who use online dating services and if they like it then I guess go for it. My parents have tried to sign me up for these types of things because they think I can’t seem to meet girls. My parents don’t understand that I have no problems meeting girls, I just have a problem meeting girls who are excited to meet me as well. #1 CHURCH This might be the most obvious number one answer ever. But I do not think it is the most practical answer (anymore at least). Although as Christians we generally congregate in church, it doesn’t mean this is the best place to find a date. And at the same time it still kind of is. It really depends on a few things. If you are a young single trying to find a spouse, there is a good chance that your local church might be limited in choices. The truth is, young people (singles) are becoming less and less engaged in church. Another obvious issue with this is; if you are church girl, you will notice that you vastly outnumber the shrinking population of church guys in attendance these days. The numbers are staggering. Some stats (including my own eyes) suggest that there are about 4.5 single girls to 1 guy in the church across the globe. This is quite disturbing for the church in general and also for Church Girls, but for some church guys, this is great news for them because of the increased opportunities. For most church girls, this is not a good thing and it is the single biggest cause as to why many church girls have left the church or have looked for guys outside of the church and in many cases, outside of their faith in general. So, WHERE DO WE GO FROM HERE? Is it pathetic or natural to approach dating the same way we approach a good ole’ fashion Sunday afternoon buffet? The plan is somewhat simple; we scope out the options, formulate a plan around all the foods we like and then we go for it, hoping that it is going to be all worth it in the end. But how many of us actually go to a buffet and pass up on all our favorite fried fattening food to eat only a bowl of salad and watch everyone else gorge at our expense. Not likely to happen. If you are going to a buffet you are probably going to maximize your pleasure (plus calories) and not limit it. You might warm up with a bowl of vegetables to feel good about yourself, but you know that Steak corner is going to be frequented by you. So, the question you face when you approach the buffet line is “What should I eat?” When it comes to dating we ask; “Who should I date?” As a Church guy, this answer is easy. If she is hot, Christian, good cook and has good childbearin’ hips then it must be a match made in heaven. I am just kidding, she doesn’t have to be a good cook. Seriously though, as a woman, would you find it to be a compliment if a man’s pick up line involved your “childbearing hips?” There was a time and place (still in some countries) where this was a big deal for a man to be looking for. I suppose if the goal of the man was to produce as many kids as possible and the woman felt the same, then I suppose she might be flattered. But I am pretty sure that line might get a man punched in the face. We live in a new era, women no longer slap, now they go right for the fists (or pepper spray). Once again, I cannot speak for everyone, but I will tell you my opinion on this question. The first point is essential, I wouldn’t date someone unless I thought there was potential for marriage. At this point, I have only dated girls long enough to know they are not who I want to marry. Hence, I am a single man. I meet a lot of men and women who date on potential or also what I call DUD relationships (Destination Unknown Dating). Of course, there are a lot of success stories that make for really good books and sappy testimonies at women’s retreats, but I personally try to stay away from that. What is dating on potential you may ask? It is simple, it is dating someone who you know is not who you need or perhaps want right now, but someone you hope will become that person. Most of these relationships start on pretty shallow premises and you spend a lot of time justifying your relationship to your friends, family and yourself. Most of them do not end well. DUDs are another common issue. So, what is Destination Unknown Dating? It is when one or both individuals involved in the relationship do not have a good grasp as to who they are and where they are going in life and therefore the relationship goes on and on and no one knows where it is going or where it will end. But, they both like it each other so that must be good for something, right? I often talk to guys and girls alike who ask whether it is good for a Christian to date a Non-Christian? Well, I am not sure how this is still a question but it is and it is a growing issue. The simple answer is NO, it is not good. I am not going to unpack this issue too much. If you are a Christian and your spouse is not, do you not see the issues that can arise from this arrangement? If you cannot see the problems than I must wonder if you view this issue as of the same value as you would if your spouse liked meat and you are a vegetarian. I believe that the “Christians” that choose to be in these types of relationships do not value their faith the way they should and put more value and hope in their current companionship as opposed to Christ himself. “But Luke, you do not understand. She is really HOT and super nice.” Or “Luke, he is really rich.” Or “I would date a Christian guy if there were any around.” Whatever it may or may not be, I understand that natural attraction is strong and human nature is tough to crack. Let’s face it, if I can find a girl who is an 11 out of 10 and loves the Lord and is amazing in every way fathomable than of course I would roll with that. WHO WOULDN’T? But the question of WHO SHOULD WE DATE is somewhat irrelevant if we do not answer the question of WHO ARE WE and WHERE ARE WE GOING? The world is more complicated than it was 100 years ago and therefore relationships are a mess. But once we figure out these questions… the next one is kind of fun: WHERE DO YOU FIND A DATE? |
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February 2021
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