On more than one occasion I can recall the times talking to some of my buddies as they prepared to make the plunge into Holy Matrimony (AKA Marriage). It was a nerve racking time for all the guys I know who made this decision. One of the reasons being is that they had to overcome the greatest hurdle known to man; commitment! I would ask each one of them the question “What scares you the most about marriage?” Although most of the answers were quite similar, I remember one friend simply articulating the obvious uncomfortable truth that I believe most men utter in silence; “What if there is a better girl out there?” People have to make choices every day that will determine the outcome of so many things in life. But there are so many different ways that people go about making decisions. For example; going out to eat at a restaurant. If you want to figure out quickly what kind of decision maker you are and perhaps others around you, just go to a restaurant that has a menu that has a wide variety. You learn a lot about yourself and your friends. My following analysis is merely my observation and is not predicated on any scientific research (to my knowledge). For simplicity, I will only focus on the two most common types of people I have noticed. Person #1 is the type of person that knows exactly what kind of mood they are in and what kind of food they want and will read the menu until they pinpoint what it is that they want. When the server asks them for their order they have no problem articulating what it is that they desire. They approach a lot of decisions with a very stress free attitude because they don’t worry about regretting their decision, unless of course, the food gives them a bad case of diarrhea, which will lead them to never eat at that place ever again. Person #2 is the type that has no idea what mood they are in and has no real clue as to what kind of food they want to eat. All they know for sure is that they are hungry and they usually know exactly what they do not want. These are the type of people who scan through the menu hoping that the menu will tell them what they want. However, they realize that many different items look really good. Their blood pressure rises when they notice the server walking towards their table. As the server asks for their order they feel sheer panic and to avoid a socially awkward scene they just frantically settle on something. Although the stress of making the decision has now passed, a new stress arises. This stress involves the question “Did I make the right decision?” or “I really kind of wanted that other thing…” These people would never have allowed themselves to be in this situation if it wasn’t for the people that brought them to this restaurant to begin with. Yes, I believe a lot of people will fall somewhere in between these two types. And I am aware that a person can be a #1 type in some situations and a #2 in another. But let’s bring this conversation back to the church setting where the singles scene exist. I talk to a lot of guys who see the 4 to 1 ratio in different ways. Some men look at the numbers and get excited because they know what they want and believe the odds are in their favor to find that person. I talk to other men who feel the stress of making a decision and are afraid to settle on one person because they never feel secure enough to believe they made the right decision. And then there is the inevitable situation that seems to arise from both of these types and that is when the man does not like any of his choices and chooses to stay single or chooses a different church to attend or even worse; leaves the church altogether to find what he is looking for. But let’s be realistic here. A 4 to 1 ratio does not mean a guy can just pick a girl as if she is on the menu of a buffet. That is wrong and a bit degrading to a girl. We need to account for the fact that perhaps those 4 girls are not excited about their choices either. I believe here in lies the problem. Some church guys believe that they can hold out as long as they want because they believe women will be available to them in the church no matter what or when. They believe by simply being a male in the church who is willing to stand up front of the congregation and pray will be enough to woo any of the desperate girls who just want a Godly leader. And in too many cases, this seems to be true. Since the beginning of time, men have been motivated to improve so many areas of their lives because of their desire to impress the women they wanted. This is no different today than it was 5000 years ago. Our desire is still there to do so. But in the church, I believe something has happened. The expectations of men have been lowered. This is a direct reflection of our society. Men are no longer feeling the need to be the leaders they want to be. They are trained from birth that their roles in society are not what they once were. They do not feel as needed as they once were. The church has seemed to accept this. And this leads to men not wanting to attend church and men not desiring to want to be better leaders. Therefore, men are learning that they don’t have to work as hard in the church to impress the ladies. Yet at the same time, many church girls are desiring a Godly leader and of the men available, there are not much to choose from. Some girls will have otherworldly expectations for their future husband. They believe they deserve a handsome church stud, who loves children, who has a law degree and a seminary degree along with an incredible life plan. Once they realize that’s probably not going to happen, these same girls lower their expectations and take the best available. BONUS THOUGHT: Has anyone noticed in church that the trophy wife tends to find the trophy husband? Is that a bad thing or a good thing? There are a lot of general and stereotypical statements in this article but I also believe there is a lot of truth and a serious conversation that needs to take place. Marriage is not something to be taken lightly and it is not something that just happens overnight (maybe in Vegas). The 4 to 1 ratio has sadly caused women on their side to panic and perhaps face the reality that being single and celibate forever. While men are panicking because they do not know how to lead or make good decisions and they don’t feel challenged to be the best God has meant them to be. Give me your thoughts!
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As I have shared in prior posts. I have often heard the cries of church girls all over asking the question via a rant; “WHERE ARE ALL THE GOOD CHRISTIAN SINGLE MEN?” Usually this comes across as a bit of a slam because I am usually the single man sitting there on the receiving end of the gripe and somehow these girls do not want to acknowledge my existence. That is a different topic for another day. But all in all, these girls are asking a very good question. So, where all my boyz at? According to several world demographic studies, the male to female ratio is approximately 1:1 (with a slight edge to the boys). That means there is at any given point one male to one female worldwide. Of course that does not mean those numbers represent your neighborhood or even your country. It is merely a world average. In Asian nations there are a significantly higher amounts of males than females. However, predominately in Western countries there are vastly higher amounts of females then males (credits to Wikipedia). This means that men are not dying off, but are perhaps sleeping in on Sunday mornings. Regardless, they are out there but are not found in churches. The church's demographics do not represent the world's demographics at all! Maybe church isn't for everyone everywhere. Several more studies conducted in the USA and other Western nations have concluded quite alarmingly that church attendance is down worldwide with some exceptions in Asian nations. Now, of course it needs to be said that being present and accounted for in a Church pew on the weekend does not make or break your faith in Christ. We know there are a variety of circumstances that may lead to one’s absence on any given Sunday. However, the falling numbers in church participation are often correlated with the numbers we are seeing of people who are leaving the faith in general. My heart is breaking as I read some of these stats. And the eye test is confirming the stats that I see. Young people are leaving the church quickly while the older generation is simply dying off. And men are leaving at a higher rate than women. Most people will look at this and conclude the obvious; the church is dying! The church and its survival can be studied in the same way a government will study the birth and mortality rates of its people. These numbers are essential for politicians to know how to plan the future. Countries like Japan and Korea (where I live now) have detrimental birth rates. Basically, not enough people are having babies and therefore the nation will slowly disappear if this trend keeps up. The same can be true in church. Pastors can look out into their congregations and see more and more empty spots and naturally become concerned. Church survival 101: When two church people get together and have children, there is a strong chance those children will someday join the church as well. Numbers have proven that children who grow up in church will more than likely join as adults as opposed to those who did not grow up in the church. Although, many kids who grow up in the church are more and more not returning. Therefore, good and healthy church families are needed for a stable church future. A 4 to 1 ratio among an already declining church population is not good. There is a lot of discussion involved in this paragraph we do not have time to go into. Okay, now that I have painted a rather depressing picture of the church's current state and future, allow me a chance to try to unpack this information and find out what is causing this trend. Church attendance is decreasing for a plethora of reasons. A few of these are simply: -Church is boring or archaic and people do not want to be a part of it. -The growth of science has heavily influenced the decline of church. -People are just busier than they have ever been. -Christians do not feel that the church is helping them in any way worth attending for. This leads to online sermons or going to small groups or other means of nontraditional “church” communities. -Technology has replaced God in most people’s lives. These are just a few of the many excuses on a long list of reasons why people are leaving the church or not joining to begin with. But is there any reason why there is a 4 to 1 ratio of single men to women? I believe there are several causes. Please vote below on which reason you believe is the biggest. This list is a collection of answers I have found all over the internet. Next week we will talk about what is contributing to why there are so many single women and what the consequence of this could be. The Church Girls are back with vengeance! They have battered down the doors of the church and have taken up residence in pews worldwide. Just like when Jesus came storming into the Temple in Jerusalem driving out tax collectors with a whip, likewise the infamous church girls have driven out the men of the church. Men all over scattered and have taken to the hills and entrenched themselves in bunkers surrounded by barbed wire fences and land mines in attempt to save whatever is left of their masculinity. But night has fallen and the light of the church girl’s torches marching in unison to the “Boys Only” last stronghold gets closer and closer. The men know that the odds are not in their favor. They know what awaits them this fateful night. However, the few men huddle together and cheer one last hoorah before going into a battle that would no doubt be glorious and epic but assuredly have Alamo type results! If I was in Las Vegas, and I rolled into a casino (not that I would do that) with 4 to 1 odds on pretty much anything I played, I would feel pretty good about placing my bet all over the place. However, this article is not talking about a random road trip to Sin City (although I may have a few of those), this is an article about taking a trip to your local church and making a general observation. In most cases, if you were to visit any given church service on any given weekend in any given country anywhere in the world, you will find a common theme; there are generally more females than males sitting in the pews. Several studies (including the Barna Group) have proven that there is a widespread decrease in male attendance and participation in church worldwide. The ratio in general is pushing 2 to 1 (female to male). And that number virtually doubles to about 4 to 1 when it comes to single adults. This staggering 4 to1 ratio is what we will be focusing on over the next few posts. When I originally started to write the book “I Am Scared of Church Girls,” it was this number that I found staggering that was the centerpiece of my topic. At the time, I had no statistical data to back up that number outside just the local churches in Korea that I attended. Now, stats have proven that number to be an epidemic worldwide and now in Korea there is signs in our community that this number ratio continues to grow in an unhealthy way. This epidemic is real and deadly! So, what does this all mean? Well, on the very surface, a general ratio of 2 to 1 is clearly not good. Balance is important to all that we do in life; spiritually, physically, socially, etc. It is not uncommon to see some discrepancy in numbers throughout church history. For example; many church communities are older and many of the men have long since passed away and since woman tend to live a little longer this does add to the numbers. It was a little unclear in the American surveys whether or not elderly widows were included in the singles department, however, this mere fact of mortality does add to the ratio. Also in some places, men are often victims of going to war, which can lead to absence or death. Many men worldwide are highly mobile because of their jobs. This means they are not around long enough to be part of a census. This would also contribute to the disparity. Regardless, the numbers indicate a major problem. So, what does this 4 to 1 singles ratio mean for the church going forward? If this number is accurate than there is reason to be alarmed. If we firmly believe as Christ followers that we are not to be unequally yoked with nonbelievers than we can take this ratio to its many obvious conclusions. And one of those conclusions is that there are many faithful church girls who will never have the opportunity to be married and fulfill their desires to be a wife, mother, etc. Because of this reason alone, there will be many church girls who will reach outside the doors of the church to find a life partner. These conclusions have serious consequences we will discuss. I want to know how this 4 to 1 dynamic may affect the church dating scene. I also want to know how this affects the church community. And I also want to know how we got to this problem to begin with and if there is a way to fix this problem going forward. We are in a complicated time in church history and it is a direct reflection of our modern global society. I believe this 4 to 1 crisis represents many deep problems within our world and if we do not address it, we may have a complete church meltdown! Here are a few highlights from the Barna Survey of 2016:
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LUKE R ELIE Archives
February 2021
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