![]() Before we tackle this next series of blogs involving dating in this church generation, I think it is imperative to address the obvious disconnect between this generation and that of their parents. The Bible does say that we as children need to honor our parents, but it also says that parents shouldn’t provoke their children to anger. So, who is winning or losing that battle? Some people would ask why this topic is even worth bringing up in a blog like this. The answer is simple, your parents and grandparents are more than likely the ones paying the bills to keep your local church lights on, and they are the ones praying for you because all they want is their children to join them in their version of Christian fellowship. But instead, our generation would prefer to be as far away from our parents on a Sunday as possible. But is that wrong? I remember growing up in school and having teachers tell me; “If you have any problems, go to your parents first, they will understand and can help you.” This seems like reasonable advice and I would still give it to anyone. I do believe there is much to be learned from those who brought you into the world, however, I do believe that many of the problems this single generation faces in this world are so different than that of their parents that most parents are just left scratching their heads because they cannot relate in a way their kids need. For example, many parents today cannot fathom why you are sending a message to a girl you like at church during the pastor's sermon but never talk to her in person. Why does this disconnect exist? I think the easy answer is technology. Technology has changed the way people gather information, communicate and relate. Most of us will agree that there are a lot of benefits to instant info and responses. However, your parent’s generation did not have those luxuries and therefore their brains were wired to process things differently. Your parents were more likely to relate to their parents better than this generation is to their parents. Because of this lack of communication, frustration grows and too often for the sake of peace in the family, they just choose to separate or not talk about anything in general. This is becoming the predominant picture of today's church. This picture can be seen in my parent's house every summer. I kind of feel bad for my mother who I know is frustrated by myself and sister who comes home to visit once a year and within minutes of arrival we are on our computers and phones while my mother just watches and criticizes us. I know she just wants to visit us but if she bugs us too much a fight will break out. So, why is this important to CHURCH DATING? Well, to put it simply, most of your churches today in America especially (or Korea where I currently am) can be divided straight down the generational lines (and yes there are many exceptions who crossover on both sides). Our parent’s generation still has a strangle hold on the church and its direction and because of the communication with the younger generation, you see a great chasm. Younger people will ultimately go and find or start churches that reaches themselves as opposed to their community while the older generation stands pat and keeps the doors guarded to keep out anyone who might disrupt their way of life and thinking. Both sides think they are right. So, who will win this great generational church battle? Honestly, NO ONE will win. The older generation will naturally die off sooner and bury itself under their steeple. The younger church may live longer but without the older generation to keep them grounded, they will undoubtedly go in some random direction that will probably look even further from what God intended. And as they get older they will ultimately look the same to the next generation as they looked at generation before them. Since the beginning of time, God set up the traditional family in a way where each generation was ushered in by the one before and therefore this practice would continue to be handed down for thousands of years. This practice kept families and communities strong. I believe God’s intent for the church was the same. A healthy church will appear as a family that embraces and includes believers of all generations working together. But sadly, the idea of working together only means if one generation bows down to the other. It almost looks like the political system in America between Democrats and Republicans. I know there are a lot angles as to why things are the way they are and I am aware that I am speaking in general terms, but I hope this makes you think a little bit about the condition of the church as we move forward. The Church is supposed to represent the community as opposed to our personal preferences and agendas. But regardless if you attend a “church” that still uses hymnals or if you have a worship lyrics app, this is the church where we are at and this is where people still hope to find that special someone. But all too often, singles are looking elsewhere. By the way, this is not this week’s post. This is just something I felt like I needed to share before I moved on with the topics. Please leave comments! Thanks! PS. THANKS FOR MAKING MY LAST POST HIT OVER 2000 VIEWS!
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![]() Now that we have discussed who we should date and potentially when, it is now time to talk about WHERE we as Church folk can find a date. This should be simple enough, right? I mean, singles just need to go to church and meet each other, get married, "be fruitful and multiply" and then live happily ever after. It is almost like a Hollywood movie (Minus the love triangle, the hook up at the bar or club, the random sex, the complicated drama that leads to the final twist in the plot probably because of the random sex, etc.). As everyone one knows by now, relationships rarely cross over into the realm of storybook and not every Christian girl was shaped by Janette Oke novels. So, just for fun, I took a poll of several people and also a last minute post on Facebook to get some insight as to where Christians usually find their dates (thank you to the 20 people who responded). The plan is simple here, I will just address the top five answers as they were compiled and give a few random impromptu thoughts on them (these opinions will be from my personal experiences and a bit raw). Are you ready? Of course you are. That’s why you even bothered to start reading in the first place. #5 MISSION TRIPS: As a missionary, I love this answer. And I won’t lie, I have had some good opportunities to hook up over the years on missions trips. There is no doubt for me that seeing a girl in action serving a people in need is a major turn on. Not to mention you get to share an awesome group experience that you and her will always have regardless if you hook up forever or not. Wouldn't it sound super cool and spiritual to tell your kids someday that you met your wife on the mission field? My first ever kiss was on a missions trip (FYI). Clearly I was focused on the mission! #4 COFFEE SHOPS: I am glad this was a top five choice, because I really do love coffee! I used to believe that God was going to provide my special someone by meeting her in a Starbucks sipping on a Caramel Macchiato while reading her leather bound Bible. I literally would go to Starbucks or whatever my favorite coffee shop was at the time and just wait (while doing my work of course, I AM NOT A STALKER!). I met a lot of people and had a lot of great conversations over the years but none that led to my goal. I am actually in a coffee shop right now writing this and as one eye is focused on this blog, my other eye is on the lookout for whatever might come. My second ever kiss was at a coffee shop (FYI). #3 SMALL GROUPS/BIBLE STUDIES: Just to let you know, my third kiss didn’t happen at small groups, so I will get that out of the way now to ruin the suspense. Anyways, anyone who knows me knows that I love small group type ministry above pretty much anything else when it comes to building community, fellowship and spiritual growth. These types of venues are great for singles to meet up and grow together and possibly hook up for a date or two. I have met some of the best girls ever through small groups. There is no doubt that I find it super attractive when a girl shares knowledge about the Bible and is able to use her life story effectively to enhance a group. However, I have never once got a date out of a small group setting. I have gotten a few rejections however. But I will unpack this more in a later post. #2 www.christianmingle.com/ ONLINE DATING I pretty much knew this would be on the list. I was a bit disappointed it came in so high at #2. However, I will drop my two cents on it. I think online dating certainly fits a new societal norm that is unprecedented in history. However, I personally have no desire to be a part of it. I like the idea of being old fashion in an ever changing world. I know a lot of people who use online dating services and if they like it then I guess go for it. My parents have tried to sign me up for these types of things because they think I can’t seem to meet girls. My parents don’t understand that I have no problems meeting girls, I just have a problem meeting girls who are excited to meet me as well. #1 CHURCH This might be the most obvious number one answer ever. But I do not think it is the most practical answer (anymore at least). Although as Christians we generally congregate in church, it doesn’t mean this is the best place to find a date. And at the same time it still kind of is. It really depends on a few things. If you are a young single trying to find a spouse, there is a good chance that your local church might be limited in choices. The truth is, young people (singles) are becoming less and less engaged in church. Another obvious issue with this is; if you are church girl, you will notice that you vastly outnumber the shrinking population of church guys in attendance these days. The numbers are staggering. Some stats (including my own eyes) suggest that there are about 4.5 single girls to 1 guy in the church across the globe. This is quite disturbing for the church in general and also for Church Girls, but for some church guys, this is great news for them because of the increased opportunities. For most church girls, this is not a good thing and it is the single biggest cause as to why many church girls have left the church or have looked for guys outside of the church and in many cases, outside of their faith in general. So, WHERE DO WE GO FROM HERE? ![]() Is it pathetic or natural to approach dating the same way we approach a good ole’ fashion Sunday afternoon buffet? The plan is somewhat simple; we scope out the options, formulate a plan around all the foods we like and then we go for it, hoping that it is going to be all worth it in the end. But how many of us actually go to a buffet and pass up on all our favorite fried fattening food to eat only a bowl of salad and watch everyone else gorge at our expense. Not likely to happen. If you are going to a buffet you are probably going to maximize your pleasure (plus calories) and not limit it. You might warm up with a bowl of vegetables to feel good about yourself, but you know that Steak corner is going to be frequented by you. So, the question you face when you approach the buffet line is “What should I eat?” When it comes to dating we ask; “Who should I date?” As a Church guy, this answer is easy. If she is hot, Christian, good cook and has good childbearin’ hips then it must be a match made in heaven. I am just kidding, she doesn’t have to be a good cook. Seriously though, as a woman, would you find it to be a compliment if a man’s pick up line involved your “childbearing hips?” There was a time and place (still in some countries) where this was a big deal for a man to be looking for. I suppose if the goal of the man was to produce as many kids as possible and the woman felt the same, then I suppose she might be flattered. But I am pretty sure that line might get a man punched in the face. We live in a new era, women no longer slap, now they go right for the fists (or pepper spray). Once again, I cannot speak for everyone, but I will tell you my opinion on this question. The first point is essential, I wouldn’t date someone unless I thought there was potential for marriage. At this point, I have only dated girls long enough to know they are not who I want to marry. Hence, I am a single man. I meet a lot of men and women who date on potential or also what I call DUD relationships (Destination Unknown Dating). Of course, there are a lot of success stories that make for really good books and sappy testimonies at women’s retreats, but I personally try to stay away from that. What is dating on potential you may ask? It is simple, it is dating someone who you know is not who you need or perhaps want right now, but someone you hope will become that person. Most of these relationships start on pretty shallow premises and you spend a lot of time justifying your relationship to your friends, family and yourself. Most of them do not end well. DUDs are another common issue. So, what is Destination Unknown Dating? It is when one or both individuals involved in the relationship do not have a good grasp as to who they are and where they are going in life and therefore the relationship goes on and on and no one knows where it is going or where it will end. But, they both like it each other so that must be good for something, right? I often talk to guys and girls alike who ask whether it is good for a Christian to date a Non-Christian? Well, I am not sure how this is still a question but it is and it is a growing issue. The simple answer is NO, it is not good. I am not going to unpack this issue too much. If you are a Christian and your spouse is not, do you not see the issues that can arise from this arrangement? If you cannot see the problems than I must wonder if you view this issue as of the same value as you would if your spouse liked meat and you are a vegetarian. I believe that the “Christians” that choose to be in these types of relationships do not value their faith the way they should and put more value and hope in their current companionship as opposed to Christ himself. “But Luke, you do not understand. She is really HOT and super nice.” Or “Luke, he is really rich.” Or “I would date a Christian guy if there were any around.” Whatever it may or may not be, I understand that natural attraction is strong and human nature is tough to crack. Let’s face it, if I can find a girl who is an 11 out of 10 and loves the Lord and is amazing in every way fathomable than of course I would roll with that. WHO WOULDN’T? But the question of WHO SHOULD WE DATE is somewhat irrelevant if we do not answer the question of WHO ARE WE and WHERE ARE WE GOING? The world is more complicated than it was 100 years ago and therefore relationships are a mess. But once we figure out these questions… the next one is kind of fun: WHERE DO YOU FIND A DATE? ![]() When is a good time to date? Middle school? High school? College? Later? Never? RIGHT NOW? What is the answer to this? I am pretty sure there is no standard answer to this question and a debate would just split hairs. But let us once again revisit the definition of dating that will guide this conversation: DATING IS THE SOCIAL METHOD IN WHICH A MALE AND FEMALE SPEND A CERTAIN AMOUNT OF TIME TOGETHER TO DETERMINE MARRIAGE COMPATIBILITY.” I do not believe that dating is Biblically encouraged or discouraged for that matter, but I do believe we can honor God through our practice of it and thus we must be wise in its endeavor. Ever since Jesus left his Apostles gaping into the sky on the Mount of Olives after commanding them to get this church thing started. The Church has been fighting constant culture battles with society. We can see throughout history how the church has shifted with so many social changes or social introductions. Are these shifts a good thing? I believe some of them are and some of them are clearly detrimental. When it comes to the questions of dating; the answers always and perhaps rightfully fall back on the idea of marriage. If marriage is not part of the process of dating then I wonder if there is not much the church can say or do to encourage you. Outside the church we are told that dating is and should be a fun activity that is usually self-serving. This is keeping with the standard philosophy saying “if you are happy then do it. If the other person is happy as well, then KEEP DOING whatever IT is.” Society is constantly on the hot pursuit of happiness and pleasure and most of us if not ALL of us are influenced highly by this and the church has all too often embraced it. But is it wrong to seek happiness and pleasure? Of course not. And of course it can be (WHY CAN’T WE HAVE A BLACK AND WHITE ANSWER?). Inside the church people often are given a different answer: “If you are doing something just to make yourself feel good… DAMNATION!!!!” Okay, maybe not that bad, but some people feel this is the message. Growing up in the church, I often felt that Christians were the ultimate kill joys when it came to just about everything fun. I was convinced at a young age that girls were of the devil and any good feelings associated with them would call down the wrath of God upon my poor innocent soul. But even with this constant threat looming over me, I still rebelled as a child and kept my crushes within eyesight. Even though I had no idea what to do with girls in my formative years, one thing I did know; I REALLY LIKED THEM! It is hard for the church to answer the question of WHEN ONE SHOULD DATE without pretty much offending everyone in this overly sensitive world we live in. We can’t really interject the Bible’s view into this conversation without admitting cultural and social differences. I mean, think about it, people didn’t date in general. If a man and woman wanted to get together, then two parties got together and negotiated. After the man’s side gave up a cow and a goat, the bride would then show up ready to go. And both the boy and girl would be expected to start crankin’ out babies ASAP because the Genesis 1:28 was not a suggestion. Let’s also not forget that often these girls were on the average like 15 years old when this happened. So, for Christians to avoid jail time, Joshua Harris wrote a book called I KISSED DATING GOOD BYE to complicate things further. Let me just take a few minutes to simply share my thoughts and experience about what I have believed and done over the years. I personally saw/see dating as a means to determine a life/ministry partner (pretty much the definition we have). Even as a teen and college student, I did not see any reason for dating anyone unless I was at a point of getting married. Basically, if I am not ready to be married then I wasn't ready to date. I was about 15 years old when I committed to this plan. And since I did not have marriage on my high school radar I figured singleness made more sense mentally, spiritually and of course, FINANCIALLY. However, socially and physically it was cool to have the attention of a girl in my proximity, but I never cared to pursue anything. This stood in clear opposition to my peers all around me of course. So, I think I deserve a GOOD JOB sticker. People assumed many things about me when I never pursued dating. I was told girls didn’t want to be with me, people wondered if I was gay, I must have ZERO game, I was too shy, etc. (I heard it all). Especially as a college athlete, it was abnormal for a guy in my position to not be driven by my hormones in that direction. Well, truth be told, throughout high school and college, I REALLY DIDN’T CARE ABOUT DATING. I was more focused on basketball than anything else. Seriously, I was in a full time committed relationship with the game of basketball and I couldn’t cheat on the game by having a girlfriend. That was seriously my mindset. Once I graduated from college and began my overseas teaching career in Korea, all shackles were off, I had an amazing paycheck of like $800 a month (for a poor MK, this was wealth) and marriage was finally on my radar. BRING IT ON!!! But as the new and available Luke was being declared, I immediately scoped out the territory to find out where all the girls who I would be introducing myself to were located. However, this is not college anymore, and they were not meandering around campus bored and lonely. This is the real world, so, where were they? Well, let it be known, I found them. They were waiting for SUPER STUD LUKE (AKA Church Guy) on the other side of the front doors of the church. I always knew I wanted to marry a good little church girl. But what I learned next is what inspired the title of these blogs. ![]() I was a nervous wreck for an 8 year old boy. I can still remember the moment like it was yesterday. I meticulously folded the note I was conspicuously writing while the teacher wasn’t paying attention. I then quickly/stealthily placed the note on the girl’s desk behind me. I was super excited to accomplish this. After all, it is not easy for a boy my age to overcome the fear of the deadly disease of cooties that all little girls possessed. But this girl was worth the risk. She was pretty and could kick a soccer ball better than Lionel Messi. As I waited in trepidation, I could hear the paper being unfolded slowly behind me. I was sure my life was going to change forever. The note was simple and direct. It said “DO YOU LIKE ME?” with two options saying YES or NO. I felt so proud of myself as I assumed the most beautiful girl I knew was reading this and would no doubt choose YES. I figured that the worst case scenario in my little mind was if she circled NO, I would just have to find a different girl to throw dirt on during recess time. However, to my ultimate horror, neither of those scenarios played out. Instead, she raised her hand and said “Teacher, Luke is passing me notes.” I sunk down in my seat as the teacher approached me and the class in unison rung out in a chorus of OOOOOOOOH’s. The girl then handed her the note and the teacher proceeded to read it out loud. The class laughed hysterically at my words and I must have turned as red as a cherry as I just wanted my life to be over at that moment. My heart was broken and my life as I knew it in 3rd grade was pretty much over. #scarredforlife. Here I am 30 years later and I am still trying to figure out the world of girls, love, relationships, dating, etc. I sometimes wonder if I am no closer to solving those mysteries as I was as an 8 year old kid who just wanted to have someone to share lunch with and play together after school. What I have learned over time is that love kind of stinks! At no point has it not been complicated, embarrassing, heartbreaking or simply emotionally draining. But yet, I still run after it like a crazy storm chaser who sees a deadly tornado on the radar. WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME? (What is wrong with storm chasers for that matter?) I have liked girls for as long as I can remember. I can still tell you the names of all the girls I have had a crush on since I was in kindergarten (there were quite a few). I have always wanted to have one for myself. Growing up and even now, girls were like a ray of sunshine. They were bright and warm but detrimental if you stared too long at them. And let's face it, even if I could capture sunlight, what would I have done with it? There is no doubt that I want to be married and the most reasonable modern method of accomplishing this is going through the process of dating. I used to think that arranged marriages would be so much better and less complicated. However, after seeing the girls that my parents and friends have tried to hook me up with, I would rather go with the world of dating and sort it out that way. After all, I kind of like the challenge. As an athlete I love competition. I love winning. I love accomplishing goals that I set out for myself. Most people do not like to admit it, but dating is by all means a game. There are winners and there are losers! And there are those who just do not play. But let’s not waste too much time talking about how complicated and ugly dating can be. We all know that already. However, dating within the church is almost a whole other beast that seems untamable. There are so many other factors that seem to be in play that make things far more complicated than they need to be, especially in a world that is getting harder to live in. The drama that plays out in the church in general is enough to keep people awake at nights. The drama that comes from dating within the church context can easily lead to chronic fatigue and insomnia. Relationships, dating, etc. are always great subjects of gossip for church people to engage in at potlucks, Bible studies, or after church in the foyer, but it is rarely addressed behind the pulpit. Much of this is due to its taboo label and lack of information found in scripture. We have a lot of info talking about marriage in the Bible but not so much the process that leads to it. Since the church tends to not take up the challenge of helping folks through this awkward and scary stage of dating, most people will look to other sources to fill in the holes. The question I want to ask you is: “WHERE DO YOU GET YOUR INFORMATION OR ADVICE ON DATING?” Google? Trial and error? Friends? TV? Movies? Cosmopolitan Magazine? Etc.? If I ever need advice about dating, I just go to my newly married friends. Especially right after they've returned from their honeymoon. They totally have everything from dating and marriage all figured out. And they usually can’t wait to tell you their wealth of knowledge. It is kind of like listening to a teenager explain to their mom and dad how parenting works. Although there are nuggets of wisdom that can be gleaned, I try to be friendly and not roll my eyes too often. DON’T JUDGE ME! YOU KNOW EXACTLY WHAT I AM TALKING ABOUT! So, what is the definition of dating? What is its purpose? I am going to stick with a simple definition that I think most of us can understand. "DATING IS THE SOCIAL METHOD IN WHICH A MALE AND FEMALE SPEND A CERTAIN AMOUNT OF TIME TOGETHER TO DETERMINE MARRIAGE COMPATIBILITY." I know some people may disagree with this definition, but that's okay. But as a Christian, I can not imagine dating being used for too many other reasons other than something that leads to marriage. We will break that down later. Let’s go back briefly to my initial story in 3rd grade. For many guys, the hardest part of dating is just simply asking a girl on a date or sharing their feelings with the one they like. The fear of rejection is real and to be honest, I do not have a lot of success in girls circling the “YES” option on the note. So, if you are looking for good advice from someone with a good track record, then go somewhere else. However, win or lose, once I man up and ask the girl out, the bigger fear awaits me: WHAT IF SHE SAYS YES? ![]() I must say, it is a joy to write some of these blogs. As of right now, I am sitting on a five hour train ride from Beijing to Shenyang, China. My “work” (something I cannot openly discuss in a communist country) takes me places all over and gives me a lot of time to reflect on things. As I look out the window at what would be vast mountains that are hidden behind the disgusting pollution/dust from the Gobi Desert, I am reminded of the many family trips that we as a “Church” family embarked on growing up. Most of our trips bordered on the lines of funny or tragic (depending on who was recalling the memory). I would look at movies like National Lampoon’s Family Vacation as a boring historical family drama as opposed to hysterical comedy. I always thought it would be fun to make a movie called CHURCH FAMILY VACATION (rated R for RIDICULOUS). So, what does a typical Church family look like? Unlike a single church girl or guy, a church family sticks out like a sore thumb (probably because they travel in packs). And every Sunday they descend upon us all whether the world is ready or not. Once again, I am going to draw from personal experience and share a story from my earlier writings and life experiences. Keep in mind, these stories are a dramatized collection of real life events that took place in some form or another over a scattered period of time but did not factually occur the way they were written. Enjoy! “…Getting out of bed this Sunday morning was simple. Waking up on most Sundays are usually a chore and a half, but not this day. I didn’t have to wake up because I don’t think I was ever even asleep to begin with. Anticipation in my heart, mind and soul was mounting all week because today was the day I had the chance to eat lunch after service with Church Girl. I was super pumped. I think I even did a cartwheel out of bed and into the bathroom that morning. I walked into church with a skip in my step while humming the tune to Lovely Day. My appearance was clear that I spent a few extra moments prepping myself in the mirror at home. As I arrived, I took my normal spot in the front pew and once Church Girl was done leading worship with the praise team she took her usual spot behind my left shoulder with her family. I naturally peeked back a few times to exchange a smile. I am convinced that the service seemed to go on forever and then some. My left foot began to tap incessantly in its normal nervous A.D.D. way as I thought the pastor was never going to finish. The benediction even seemed longer than normal. However, the clock on the back wall indicated that we got out at the same late time as usual. Regardless, we all stood and prayed and the pastor finally sent us on our way. I immediately turned around and greeted the girl with a smile. She returned the smile and introduced me to the various people around her. “Mom and Dad, this is the guy I was telling you about that will be joining us for lunch today.” Upon hearing those words I went into an internal state of panic. Inwardly I screamed at the top of my lungs “WHAT!!!! THE PARENTS ARE COMING TO?” Of course my outward demeanor was more than calm, cool and cordial. I smiled and took a deep breath as her and I walked out to the parking lot accompanied by her parents, two brothers and a sister. I suppose if they had a pet dog, cat or goldfish, then they would have joined as well. We went to the usual church people’s buffet spot. I am pretty sure local buffets sponsor churches and their desire to indulge in the sin of gluttony. The food was somewhat economical but certainly filling. We all ate to our heart’s failing content. Families from all over town and many other church denominations made their way to this sacred place all dressed in their Sunday best. Screaming kids and crying babies seem to be the norm as we indulged on food that would leave us in a certain state of regret. The conversation with Church Girl was a bit more limited as to what I was hoping for, mostly because the father dominated most it. He clearly wanted to know my political and theological views while asserting himself as the patriarch and alpha male at the table. The conversation was a bit dull but I smiled and did all I could do to pretend to be interested and also sound intelligent. It seemed no matter what I said he was less than impressed. He even referred to me as a liberal a few times and wondered if this was something my parents taught me or something I learned on my own from some professor in college. I constantly tried to move the conversation somewhere else but to no avail. It was clear at this point, that escaping the grasp of this man was going to take an act of God or a Navy Seal’s sniper bullet. As the inevitable food coma started to sink in, the conversation/inquisition finally died down in my direction when the father’s attention was finally diverted as their two sons of ages 9 and 11 decided to get into a food fight of sorts. I took advantage of the sudden break in the action to casually ask Church Girl how she enjoyed her lunch. She was about to answer when her little sister of 14 years of age decided to deflate the moment by obnoxiously saying; “OOOOOOOOH. Sister has a new boyfriend.” With an obvious tint of blush on her face she turned around and scowled at her sibling for the embarrassment. I awkwardly smiled. After all, the whole day was not as I planned and all I could do at this point was smile. After Church Girl recovered from her little sister’s comment, she quietly dismissed herself to the bathroom. In her absence the father finally came back to where I was sitting. He looked like he just stopped Cain from killing Abel and his big sigh and smirk confirmed that thought. As I was inhaling a handful of French fries the father bluntly said “So, what are your intentions with my daughter?” At that moment, half of the French fries I decided to devour went down the wrong tube. Oxygen immediately stopped flowing. The father looked at me a bit puzzled as I was awkwardly choking. In my pain and embarrassment, I could not help but hope that this was my timely and welcomed death. Once the father knew that my red face was due to a lack of oxygen and not shying from his pointed question. He immediately jumped up to perform a more primitive version of the Heimlich maneuver. The scene was quite awkward as the father looked like he was attempting a move that can only be seen on WWE. At this point the restaurant’s patrons have become quite enamored at the sight of me approaching death physically and emotionally. And with one final MMA move by Church Girl’s father, the French fry that was lodged in my esophagus came loose and fell on the table restoring my life. The restaurant’s people stood and applauded as the father bowed to acknowledge the crowd as the proud hero. Church Girl at this point was watching from a distance and was not really sure what happened and how to respond. I was just happy that my near death experience saved me from answering the father’s direct question that I was not prepared to answer and it gave me an opportunity to excuse myself and escape the presence of this family. I am pretty sure this was not a good first impression.” Next blog: What is dating? ![]() So, is it possible to describe what a CHURCH GUY looks like? Is there a specific way they dress, act or whatever? Maybe… or maybe not. Regardless, it is fun for the sake of thought process to think about different ways a church guy may manifest himself to the world. I decided to simply just give you a story from my previous writings on this subject. This is not a TRUE story... sort of. I walked into the church filled with anticipation on this particular Sunday. As usual, I am very fashionably late. This is not without cause of course, because I know that when I show up that all eyes will be on me. This is very essential to my bloated ego. As I prepare to walk into the sanctuary, I know right where all the eligible single girls are located and I usually make a special effort to sit in proximity of them. After all, I have proclaimed myself the church’s most eligible bachelor. But today is different, I have only one girl on my mind and my goal was set on the one who happens to be leading worship that day. As the music is playing and the congregation is offering their reverent worship to God, I show up and stroll down the aisle in a cool and smooth manner while attempting to lock eyes with my objective whose fingers move ever so gently over the keyboard. My clothes are freshly pressed and shoes are nicely shined and my hair and fingernails are perfectly groomed for this occasion. However, all of that is completely overshadowed by my bright leather Bible that seemed to shine under the glow of the crystal chandeliers, blinding everyone I walked by with big golden letters saying "CHURCH STUD" strategically placed under the word "HOLY." As I make my way down the aisle toward the front row where my usual seat is located I finally caught Church Girl's beautiful eyes glance toward me from behind the keyboard and microphone. At that moment I smiled to myself while silently saying the words “I Gotcha” under my breath. As the singing continues, the music gets softer and slower. At this point I slowly lift my hands in a very worshipful manner. As my hands are raised higher and higher, I could not help but smirk at the thought of yelling out the word "TOUCHDOWN!" to see the reaction of all the Church Elders. But I was able to refrain. At that point I stealthily look in Church Girl's direction to make sure that she is observing my amazingly spiritual behavior. However, I noticed that she has not yet acknowledged me in the way I would like. Therefore, Plan B goes into motion. I immediately drop into my seat and hold my face in my hands and start crying like a baby. Once I was able to squeeze a tear out I started asking the people around me for tissue. There is no doubt that this scene I am causing nearby stage has caught the attention of my goal, Church Girl. Even the pastor nearby has taken notice and is wondering if I am okay. The pastor approaches me to check on me and I assure him all is well and that the Holy Spirit must be moving. Was this a blasphemous move on my part? OF COURSE! But who can think rationally when lost in the moment of pursuit. Once the singing is complete, the worship team takes its usual place and just like clockwork she takes her place right behind me. The pastor then encourages everyone to prepare for offering time. The pastor thinks that he is cutting edge because he mixes up the order of service from time to time. That usually means that offering is sometimes at the end of service or in the middle. However, once again, I was ready. The offering plate is passed and of course I make sure that the plate stops at my seat because I was too busy with worship and tears to prepare my money. I slowly drop the cash little by little in the plate. Hoping no one notices that they are all single dollar bills. Once again, this gains the attention of Church Girl who is sitting behind me. The sermon begins and of course the big Bible was pulled out along with a notebook. My pen follows the pastor’s every word as I take down notes in an attempt to show my studious side. The angle of the notes is strategically placed on my lap in perfect view of Church Girl sitting just over my left shoulder. Once the sermon was over I was pleasantly blindsided by a rare time of confession and prayer (this never happens at old fashion, fundamental and conservative churches because it might accidentally turn into a Benny Hinn moment). I had to think fast in order to use this as an opportunity. After a brief moment of chaotic deliberation, I turn to the people around me and begin praying for them. This of course probably freaked everyone out, but who is going to turn down a prayer? I made sure I reached out to a few random people before I turned to my objective and her family, after all, I don’t want to be too obvious. With confidence I say to her; “May I pray for you? I feel that God has laid a desire on my heart to pray for you.” I know that this will appear to be a bit charismatic to her and her conservative family but in my moment of panic I went for it. In an awkward exchange of UMMMMMMs, Church Girl allows the prayer to take place under the unsolicited watchful eyes of her stern father sitting next to her. I took the opportunity to ask her for a few prayer requests. The next few words are crucial to my cause. I take pride in the ability to analyze words well and using the prayer requests that she gives me is a possible doorway into her life. (I know, I know… you readers are all judging me right now!!!). Once again in hesitation she quickly gives me a few generic requests to work with. After a long drawn out prayer that ends in tears for both parties, Church Girl leans over quietly and thanks me for my love and care as a brother in Christ. At this point I feel that I have scored a major victory in my goal to capture Church Girl’s heart. Since the music was still playing on stage I took a deep breath and was about to reach out to the father and ask in fear to pray for him as well. But the pastor saved me by closing in prayer. WHEW! After sharing this very intense intimate moment with Church Girl, getting her to lunch in the near future to share more about her life should be easy. However, she was busy that afternoon but we arranged to have lunch next Sunday. SCOOOOOOORE! This may come across as a rather ridiculous story of a hopeless guy in pursuit of a girl but I know there is a hint of reality in all the different scenarios presented. So, how do you get the attention of the opposite sex while in church? Or should we not be concerned with this in church? And what do you think a Church Guy really looks like? Have you met guys like this in the church? Tell me your thoughts. Next post is about what a CHURCH FAMILY looks like. ![]() DISCLAIMER: THIS POST IS PART OF A GREATER CONTEXT THAT WAS IMPOSSIBLE TO SUMMARIZE. Have you ever been on a blind date? I mean a real blind date? Not one where you discovered the name of your date beforehand and proceeded to do a little Facebook stalking to alleviate some of the “blindness.” Every once in a while one of my friends will try to recommend a girl to me. Of course, as a single man, I will entertain suggestions of all kinds. In an attempt to not sound too shallow, I will ask a few probing questions like “What is her name? What does she do? Where does she live? Etc.” Once I feel safe enough, I pop the question: “So, do you have a photo?” It is funny how different guys and girls are when describing potential dating partners to their male friends. When I ask about who she is, a girl will more than likely tell me a long list of amazing qualities this individual possesses that may or may not include how pretty she is. A guy on the other hand will probably respond in a caveman type voice and headline a short list with “Dude, she is like totally hot and really nice and…uhhh (grunt grunt), oh yeah, and she goes to church. Do you wanna meet her?” I remember my mother trying to recommend a good church girl to me once. My mother was very up front, she basically said, “Luke, she is really nice, she is a pastor’s kid, great cook, great singer and has a very beautiful heart for God. Buuuuuut, she is a little on the larger side. I think she deserves a chance.” I will agree that all girls are created in God’s image and are deserving of an opportunity to be pursued and loved by a man who will give their life for them. However, that doesn’t mean that man has to be ME. I mean, let’s face it church girls worldwide, I can’t have all of you (Pause for possible Mormon joke reference). With that said, I have been accused on more than a few occasions of being TOO PICKY. Does looks really matter at the end of the day? And should looks really matter to a man that claims Christ as his Savior? After all, Christ loves us JUST AS WE ARE; right? As we all know, humans (male and female) are very visual creatures. Our eyes help us pass out judgment like a clown on stilts passes out candy at the local Memorial Day Parade. In a perfect world, one would not need to judge anyone based on their appearance because we would all see each other as Christ sees people, through their heart. However, if you haven’t noticed today, we do not live in the Garden of Eden and as much as I would like to try, my eyes still do not possess Christ’s inward heart looking X-ray vision. Which means in short, LOOKS MATTER. Let's be honest, do you really want people seeing your heart? To me that is more scary. But how much do or should looks matter? And what should we be looking for? Well, there is no real standard answer on this because we all see and desire different things. Church people often like to throw around scriptures like Proverbs 31:30 which states “Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised” (Does anyone remember the classic DC Talk song Kinda Girl?) or the many New Testament verses talking about a women’s beauty is found within and not by what she wears or whatever. But let’s just face it people, it’s a rare day when a man is willing to dig into that inner beauty without first being attracted to the girl first. But then you might ask "what if the girl is just not that attractive?" Thank God that beauty is in the eye of the Creator and not only the beholder. Beauty comes in all shapes, sizes, colors, etc. And if you are a girl who thinks she is unattractive, think again. God did not create unattractive things. Just because many of the men around may not be attracted to you, doesn’t mean someone else isn’t. That doesn’t mean we should just let ourselves go and not care about what we look like and present ourselves. After all, our bodies are the Temple of the Holy Spirit and we need to present them as living sacrifices. TAKE CARE OF IT! And trust God to provide someone who will adore it as much as He does. This goes for men as well. **This will be addressed in later posts. How does one even begin to describe what a Church Girl looks like? After all, we live in a politically correct world that casts shame upon stereotypes and harsh judgement on those who make them. Heaven forbid that the PC Police would ever admit that stereotypes are caused by presuppositions that are conditioned into our brains by society, experiences and common sense. We interact with the world around us using these basics of stereotypes and/or presuppositions because our brains operate this way. So, HOW DARE YOU JUDGE ME for being who I am. I WAS BORN THIS WAY! To a lot of people in this world, Church Girls are easy to pick out of a crowd. One such stereotype may sound like the following: “…these girls could be described as the Little House on the Prairie types (you know; Laura Ingalls Wilder?) or someone dressed like they walked off the cover of a box of Quaker Oats Cereal but with the smile and joy of a Mary Poppins and complimented by a touch of Martha Stuart’s hospitality skills (minus the “going to prison” part).” And of course these girls can always be found once a week with like-minded and like-looking individuals huddled around a Beth Moore book study and sharing their favorite casserole recipes while preparing the next church’s potluck. So, is a church girl considered rebellious if she doesn’t fit this mold? What do you think a church girl should look like or act like? I have heard a lot of opinions and crazy ideas through the years. Please let me know some you have heard. ![]() Disclaimer: I was originally going to just post excerpts from the original chapter but there was no way I could trim it down without ruining the context. So, now I am going to give you the random thoughts that are on my mind. Buckle up! This could be a wild one take! Clearly Jesus thought it was slightly important that the church be founded. But when Jesus laid the foundations for the church he did not roll in the cement trucks and contract a building company to build really cool looking structures that will guard the Gospel message from ever leaking out into the world. Of course not, can you imagine Jesus trying to get his 12 original Church board members to agree on the sanctuary carpet color or the size of Jesus’ new office? Christ started building the church with people. And this might be a shock to you, but just like today, those people were not perfect. The church can simply be defined as “the fellowship of the believers.” How that is supposed to materialize itself in our eyes has been continuously debated since the Church’s beginning with the likes of the Apostle’s Paul and Peter to the modern times 2000 years later between probably every church pastor who thinks they have Acts 2 all figured out. So, who are the believers? Well, I am glad you asked. They can easily be found being pulled over by cops for speeding to church every Sunday. They are often described as conservative Republicans who are anti-Abortion, anti-homosexual, anti-immigration, anti-drinking, anti-sex, anti-environment, anti-tippers, anti-Harry Potter and anti-fun in general. While also being pro-gun, pro-life, pro-homeschooling, pro-Fox News, pro-buffet eating, pro-Left Behind series, pro-gossip and generally split down the middle as to whether they like Joel Osteen or not. I am just kidding, I am not a big fan of the Left Behind series and I tend to be pro FUN. But how many times have you seen stereotypical descriptions like this? Regardless of where you are on the spectrum of belief, one thing I do know; and that is “Jesus is the way, the truth, and the life. And NO ONE can get to heaven without first believing and calling on His name first (John 14:6 and Romans 10:13 paraphrased).” I firmly believe that church was/is an institution created by God for “believers” to come together in community and grow in their faith and also be strengthened mentally and physically by the encouragement and support of others who are on the same spiritual journey. However, I am not sure a lot of people get these basic needs met between the hours of 10am and noon on a Sunday. Over the years, the church has become a source of controversy and conflict. The noise from these many ongoing battles have reached a fever pitch and can be heard loud in clear outside the concrete walls. And the message seems clear to a world in need of hope; “GO AWAY! WE DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH YOU.HERE.” The hypocrisy and confusion has led to a mass exodus of people who can’t reach the church exits fast enough. The heartbreak and disappointment felt by so many once faithful church goers is real and is now starting to garnish legitimate attention from church leaders who finally will admit that there might be a slight problem. But the fight over how to combat these many problems have become even more disheartening and divisive. So, it is in the midst of this epic quagmire we set the stage for Church Girl and Church Guy to figure this out and so much more. ![]() It was almost ten years ago when I felt inspired as a younger man to write a book. But I couldn't decide on what. I feel like the most popular writing topics of the time were about Church (or church bashing) and relationships. I personally felt like I had a pretty strong and developed opinion about both. After all, I read the Purpose Driven Church by Rick Warren and also trudged through I Kissed Dating Good Bye (and the sequel) by Joshua Harris (Yes, I know these are oldies now). So, why not combine both worlds? Hence the idea of I AM SCARED OF CHURCH GIRLS began. The book was meant to be and light and comical tool to view the many issues, struggles and humor that is involved in the world of Church and "Christian Dating." And the main examples were going to be me and my friends. To my surprise there were a few publishers interested and I was excited as the manuscript took form. However, the closer the release date came the more nervous I became to release this book. One reason being was the critical and controversial nature of some of the church points. Two, the not so Kosher way I bluntly explain taboo topics (I did not want to offend a conservative audience). And Three, I am convinced no girl would ever want to date a guy with a book out there like this exposing all my secrets and ridiculous experiences. So, here I am years later, I am cranky and not so concerned about offending people and YES, I am still single. So, I guess there is nothing to be afraid of now, therefore, here we go again. I AM SCARED OF CHURCH GIRLS- TAKE 2!!! I am posting the original Table of Contents in the book and in this blog I will be rewriting a fresh take on each chapter subject. Let's see what I have learned in the last ten years of singleness. Have fun! Table of Contents Introduction: How this all came about and how the chapters work Section 1: Welcome to Church (Who are the Characters?) Chapter 1 What is the church? Chapter 2 What does a church girl look like? Chapter 3 What does a church guy look like? Chapter 4 What does a church family look like? Section 2: Relationships (How Christians interact with each other and the world) Chapter 5 Why are relationships such a big deal? Chapter 6 Why is getting along so hard? Chapter 7 Who is my enemy? Chapter 8 Who is my neighbor? Section 3: Dating (Hopeless scenario… I have no clue what to tell you) Chapter 9 What is dating? Chapter 10 When is a good time to date? Chapter 11 Who should you date? Chapter 12 Where should you find a date? Chapter 13 Why should you date? Chapter 14 How do you know he/she is the one? Section 4: Awkward (How does the church handle sexual issues?) Chapter 15 What is the big deal about sex? Chapter 16 How should sex education work? Chapter 17 How can one really handle lust? Chapter 18 How far is too far? Chapter 19 How does homosexuality fit into things? Section 5: Marriage and Family (What do I know about families?) Chapter 20 What is Marriage? Chapter 21 Are interracial marriages a big deal? Chapter 22 What happened to arranged marriages? Chapter 23 What happened to marriages and families in general? Chapter 24 What do you do with the kids? Chapter 25 What happens if you don’t get married? Section 6: Conclusion (My ideal church and girl) Chapter 26 What does my ideal girl look like? Chapter 27 What does my ideal Church look like? Chapter 28 What does my ideal Christian life look like? Chapter 29 Is there any hope? |
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LUKE R ELIE Archives
February 2021
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