*I am going to take a break from my normal writing schedule and answer some questions that have come across my messages the last few months. Once again, these answers are my opinion and are based on my limited knowledge, experience, and that of many conversations with others over the years. IS IT A GOOD IDEA TO DATE A LONG TIME FRIEND? I suppose there’s no way to answer this thoroughly without defining several things. My first question would be; what kind of friend are we talking about? and how long is a long time? Since I do not know the answers to those questions, I will answer this question based on the world of the friend zone. Let’s first define what the friend zone is. The friend zone is a place where the boundaries of the relationship are set on mutual interests and forbid that of romantic intentions. When a girl I like or am attracted to puts me in the friend zone, very clear images come to mind. The friend zone to me is like an oasis in the desert. It is a place of exile. Oh sure, it is comfortable under the palm trees that shade you from the scorching sun above. And the water that is there is cool enough to keep you alive. But let the truth be told, it is a prison. The place you want to be is not there. You do not want to wake up every morning only too look out past your hammock and see the hopelessness of an endless desert. You want to be in civilization sipping a latte at Starbucks, especially with the girl you like. But residing in the oasis makes life a little simpler. You know where you are and where it is safe to go. Chasing after a mirage can be deadly! Despite the simple life, every day you think about trying to escape the comfort of your oasis. You don’t have to look far before you see that the desert is full of skeletal remains of all the guys who have wasted away in the dry heat of the sun while vultures soar overhead waiting to pick off the last bit of life remaining in the many men who have tried to escape the friend zone. So, you wait another day and then another, and in time you perhaps begin to accept the fate of the friend zone. But then one day, you wake up and decide you can’t take it anymore. You take a deep breath and try to convince the girl to give you a chance, even if it means taking a chance in the death grip of the desert and losing her forever. The friend zone is a great place to be when both parties are completely cool with it. But as we all know, it is severely limited. However, the commonalities, qualities or experiences that you both share that built your relationship as friends are more than likely the same qualities you would hope to share with a spouse someday. So, do not be shocked when the friend zone is challenged by one of the 2 members within it. However, the friend zone is tough to break out of, mostly because if one person really wants to pursue something deeper, they have to pursue often at the risk of their friendship they have enjoyed. And sometimes it is scary to jeopardize a friendship when you technically do not have to. Here is a little bonus knowledge on the friend zone that I found to be mostly true for most guys I know. The friend zone is most often a result of superficial or natural attraction. The relationship that led up to being friends was one that most likely started with one side or both being attracted to the other. Which means, we became friends because I was probably interested in exploring more than just friends at some point. But somewhere along the way, one of two things commonly happened. ONE: One or both individuals decided friendship was the best option once they realized nothing romantic was to become of it. TWO: one side decided there was no chance for a romantic relationship while the other side quietly disagreed. However, I agreed to the unwritten rules of the friend zone in hope that in time perhaps they could change the other sides mind. You know you have done this! Don't judge me! I have asked out a number of girls in my life. But before I would do so, I would attempt to build a friendship first. I have always believed that I would marry someone someday that would be my best friend. So, it made sense in my mind to pursue girls I truly wanted to be with beyond just natural attraction (although it was that attraction that probably got my initial attention). I believed that there was much I can learn about someone just by being a friend first and not exclusively dating. I was able to gain a lot of friends in this process, and most of which I decided to not pursue for one reason or another. However, when it came to girls I really wanted to pursue, this approach led to a 0-22 overall record. That is a lot of rejection. I guess you should never ask me for any dating advice. 20 of the 22 girls put me in the friend zone. I just didn't know it until after I asked. The friend zone is very important in the church community. Since Jesus asks us all to love each other and to fellowship with each other, we tend to friend zone the opposite sex much quicker within the church then outside of it. Much of this is a result of panic and paranoia. You panic because your church community tends to put a lot of heavy pressure on Christian couples for many reasons. You are paranoid because you don’t know what everyone might think of you if it doesn’t work out. The friend zone is that safe place to be in at church without complicating things. And if a guy asks you out that you are not interested in, you can totally just claim you see him as a brother and nothing else, and that answer is code for FRIEND ZONE! and you have no real choice but to respect it. After all, you do not want to be a subject of gossip in church. The friend zone is also populated by a lot of people who are a result of our expectations. Don’t kid yourself, we all have a checklist (regardless of its reasonable or not). We all have expectations of what we want in a future partner. Some people’s checklists are short and simple while others are longer than the Bible. But we all have that ideal person in our mind. We desire to be with someone that fulfills our physical, mental, educational, ethnic, financial, and other expectations. When he or she doesn’t meet enough boxes checked on our checklist, we tend to put them in the friend zone. It is a safe place to put someone that you have any doubts in at all. And if they cross the boundaries, than they must pay the price within the community. That usually means they will leave the church and go somewhere else. So, should you date a friend? Ummm... why wouldn't you? The friend zone does not have to be a hopeless wasteland. For me, my friend zone with girls can often be seen as a waiting room. I never know when God might change my heart or eyes toward someone and I want to give God a chance for me to love on everyone. Who knows? maybe that one girl that I never thought I would go for will one day be someone I am willing to cross the desert for.
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LUKE R ELIE Archives
February 2021
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