![]() On more than one occasion I can recall the times talking to some of my buddies as they prepared to make the plunge into Holy Matrimony (AKA Marriage). It was a nerve racking time for all the guys I know who made this decision. One of the reasons being is that they had to overcome the greatest hurdle known to man; commitment! I would ask each one of them the question “What scares you the most about marriage?” Although most of the answers were quite similar, I remember one friend simply articulating the obvious uncomfortable truth that I believe most men utter in silence; “What if there is a better girl out there?” People have to make choices every day that will determine the outcome of so many things in life. But there are so many different ways that people go about making decisions. For example; going out to eat at a restaurant. If you want to figure out quickly what kind of decision maker you are and perhaps others around you, just go to a restaurant that has a menu that has a wide variety. You learn a lot about yourself and your friends. My following analysis is merely my observation and is not predicated on any scientific research (to my knowledge). For simplicity, I will only focus on the two most common types of people I have noticed. Person #1 is the type of person that knows exactly what kind of mood they are in and what kind of food they want and will read the menu until they pinpoint what it is that they want. When the server asks them for their order they have no problem articulating what it is that they desire. They approach a lot of decisions with a very stress free attitude because they don’t worry about regretting their decision, unless of course, the food gives them a bad case of diarrhea, which will lead them to never eat at that place ever again. Person #2 is the type that has no idea what mood they are in and has no real clue as to what kind of food they want to eat. All they know for sure is that they are hungry and they usually know exactly what they do not want. These are the type of people who scan through the menu hoping that the menu will tell them what they want. However, they realize that many different items look really good. Their blood pressure rises when they notice the server walking towards their table. As the server asks for their order they feel sheer panic and to avoid a socially awkward scene they just frantically settle on something. Although the stress of making the decision has now passed, a new stress arises. This stress involves the question “Did I make the right decision?” or “I really kind of wanted that other thing…” These people would never have allowed themselves to be in this situation if it wasn’t for the people that brought them to this restaurant to begin with. Yes, I believe a lot of people will fall somewhere in between these two types. And I am aware that a person can be a #1 type in some situations and a #2 in another. But let’s bring this conversation back to the church setting where the singles scene exist. I talk to a lot of guys who see the 4 to 1 ratio in different ways. Some men look at the numbers and get excited because they know what they want and believe the odds are in their favor to find that person. I talk to other men who feel the stress of making a decision and are afraid to settle on one person because they never feel secure enough to believe they made the right decision. And then there is the inevitable situation that seems to arise from both of these types and that is when the man does not like any of his choices and chooses to stay single or chooses a different church to attend or even worse; leaves the church altogether to find what he is looking for. But let’s be realistic here. A 4 to 1 ratio does not mean a guy can just pick a girl as if she is on the menu of a buffet. That is wrong and a bit degrading to a girl. We need to account for the fact that perhaps those 4 girls are not excited about their choices either. I believe here in lies the problem. Some church guys believe that they can hold out as long as they want because they believe women will be available to them in the church no matter what or when. They believe by simply being a male in the church who is willing to stand up front of the congregation and pray will be enough to woo any of the desperate girls who just want a Godly leader. And in too many cases, this seems to be true. Since the beginning of time, men have been motivated to improve so many areas of their lives because of their desire to impress the women they wanted. This is no different today than it was 5000 years ago. Our desire is still there to do so. But in the church, I believe something has happened. The expectations of men have been lowered. This is a direct reflection of our society. Men are no longer feeling the need to be the leaders they want to be. They are trained from birth that their roles in society are not what they once were. They do not feel as needed as they once were. The church has seemed to accept this. And this leads to men not wanting to attend church and men not desiring to want to be better leaders. Therefore, men are learning that they don’t have to work as hard in the church to impress the ladies. Yet at the same time, many church girls are desiring a Godly leader and of the men available, there are not much to choose from. Some girls will have otherworldly expectations for their future husband. They believe they deserve a handsome church stud, who loves children, who has a law degree and a seminary degree along with an incredible life plan. Once they realize that’s probably not going to happen, these same girls lower their expectations and take the best available. BONUS THOUGHT: Has anyone noticed in church that the trophy wife tends to find the trophy husband? Is that a bad thing or a good thing? There are a lot of general and stereotypical statements in this article but I also believe there is a lot of truth and a serious conversation that needs to take place. Marriage is not something to be taken lightly and it is not something that just happens overnight (maybe in Vegas). The 4 to 1 ratio has sadly caused women on their side to panic and perhaps face the reality that being single and celibate forever. While men are panicking because they do not know how to lead or make good decisions and they don’t feel challenged to be the best God has meant them to be. Give me your thoughts!
3 Comments
9/21/2017 09:15:40 pm
1. If it's lack of motivation, a counselor would help.
Reply
Jenny White
9/21/2017 09:18:26 pm
And this comment is just for myself: I think only the Spirit can allow someone to follow Scripture (for girls to submit and guys to lay themselves down). I don't think normal human nature would be able to do that on its own. However, contrary to Liz Elliot--I do not think that a person necessarily has to be "reborn" before they get married. I believe it was erroneous of her to think that way, although her intentions were for the best.
Reply
Jenny White
9/21/2017 09:38:03 pm
Heeyyy, so since this is public, might as well keep going:
Reply
Leave a Reply. |
Author
LUKE R ELIE Archives
February 2021
Categories |